If you’ve never heard of Heavy Eric before, well, that’s probably okay. But here’s what you need to know: the man’s been making Canucks-related roots music for quite some time now, having enjoyed a heyday, of sorts, for songs written during the West Coast Express era — most notably, “It’s Called the Todd Bertuzzi.”

This era is well past, but Heavy Eric soldiers on, and he recently uploaded a handful of songs to Youtube, all of which are dedicated to present members of the Vancouver Canucks. Here’s one about Jannik Hansen.

Um. Wow. Let’s all take a moment to marvel at the central couplet of this song’s chorus:

Jannik Hansen, the Danish destroyer/Jannik Hansen, he can shoot and score yeah

Hot dog, that is a generous rhyme.

As for some of the other lyrics, there’s a whole verse dedicated Hansen’s weight and height, as well as stuff I had a hard time making them out, I think because Heavy Eric chose to record these videos while riding a stationary bike backwards. I’m as bewildered by this choice as you are. Perhaps it’s to distract from the fact that he also chose to play the guitar behind his head the whole time?

I don’t know. Let’s move on.

This next video features a song about Sami Salo. You’ll likely notice that it’s set to the exact same melody for some reason.

Another strong central lyric here:

Sami Salo’s the Finnish Flash/His slapshot’s hard, he shoots it fast

For the record: Teemu Selanne — and no one else — is the Finnish Flash. Salo is the Finish MacInnis. But don’t worry: Heavy Eric switches about halfway through.

Other things we learn: apparently, Heavy Eric is riding the bike so as to prevent himself from falling asleep. Is he on some sort of deadline? Is someone making him do this? Is some thing? Is that something a beverage? The late thirty seconds of this video support this hypothesis.

Also, it would appear he was wearing a wig in the first clip. I… don’t understand.

And finally, Alex Edler gets the Heavy Eric treatment over the same melody.

This is my favourite one. In typical Alex Edler fashion, it’s completely nondescript. While Hansen was described as “The Danish Destroyer”, and Salo was described as “The Finnish Flash”, Alex Edler is described as “From Ostersund.” And later, “He wears number 23.”

Poor Edler is so boring. Why can’t he be more like Heavy Eric?

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6 comments

  1. SteveB
    November 21, 2011

    I want to hear Heavy Eric’s Cal Clutterbuck song now.

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  2. J21
    November 21, 2011

    Heavy Eric and Ivan Hrvatska need to have a winner-take all cage match for the title of “Goofiest song-writing Canuck fan”.

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  3. Ashley
    November 21, 2011

    Definitely prefer the Todd Bertuzzi song.

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  4. SteveB
    November 21, 2011

    Heavy Eric, yeah, Heavy Eric
    His lyrics flow like an off-shore oil derrick
    Some people say, “Heavy Eric, who’s he?”
    I just tell ‘em that he wrote the song about Bertuzzi
    He’s a Canucks song-writin’ animal,
    Not at all like John Merrick
    Heavy Eric, yeah he’s Heavy Eric.

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  5. J21
    November 21, 2011

    Now having had the chance to listen, I feel he’s basically just used Lenny Kravitz’s “Mr. Cab Driver” with Canuck players.

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  6. Nee
    November 21, 2011

    “It’s Called the Todd Bertuzzi”. Wow, there’s a blast from the past. Used to sing along to this song all the time in the early 00′s. Bert was my favourite player. Ah, the memories.

    And at 2:29, baby-faced Sedins! What’s not to like?

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