Psst. Toews... you suck.

As Barry Rozner said, in a column much less satirical but, embarrasingly, no less one-sided and delusional than this one, “It’s early in the season but Sunday night will feature a charged atmosphere that may come as close as any to resembling a playoff buzz at the UC, reminiscent of the Hawks-Stars battles of the ’80s.”

Should be fun. To those looking for evidence to back up the claim that rivalries are made in the playoffs, look no further than the antagonism between the Canucks and the Blackhawks, who have faced each other in three consecutive postseasons.

No, there’s no love lost between these two organizations.

It’s no surprise. Good and evil have clashed since the dawn of time, and when one team is objectively good, such as the Canucks, and one team is objectively bad, such as the Blackhawks, acrimony is all but guaranteed.

The Blackhawks are bitter, probably because during the Stanley Cup Final in June, they were sitting at home, crying like kindergartners serving detention over recess.

They have no one to blame but themselves. Turns out you can’t mail in more than half your games, either in the regular season, or in the postseason (where you need to win more than half the time), and still win. Of course they’re bitter over losing — teams prone to embarrassing somnambulism of the sort Chicago displayed last year usually are.

Heck, even when they win, they’re indifferent and unintelligent, such as when they won the Stanley Cup and nobody thought to retrieve the game-winning puck. As philosopher Chris Pronger once said, this is a group of “Little minds.”

The only time they seem to care is when they’re riding in the back of cars — then it’s time to get naked and/or assault the driver.

Thankfully, the Blackhawks seem to be playing with a little more fire this season. While the Canucks are still nursing a hangover from the long playoff run of last season, the well-rested Blackhawks have gotten out to a strong 8-2-3 start. They’re taking the game a lot more seriously, too: Jonathan Toews even threw a vicious open-ice hit on an unsuspecting child, just to prove a cowardly point.

Of course, cowardly is synonymous with the Chicago Blackhawks.

Rather than respond after Raffi Torres hit him with a clean and legal hit, according to league ruling, Brent Seabrook retreated into the “quiet room”, no doubt to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar until he felt better.

Later in the series, Bryan Bickell took a cowardly run at Kevin Bieksa, narrowly taking his head off. Of course, because the Canucks are much tougher, stronger, and better, Bieksa stayed in the game.

The only Blackhawk brave and stupid enough to stand up for himself versus Bieksa the regular way was Viktor Stalberg, who earned himself a tidy pummelling for trying. The Blackhawks, children, the lot of them, of course blamed Bieksa for hitting him too hard.

There was Dave Bolland incessantly and gutlessly slashing at the Sedins while the referees forgot they had whistles, too. And then, when the Blackhawks lost, he claimed he wasn’t at 100%, the coward’s way of excusing the fact that, good as he was, he wasn’t good enough.

And speaking of not good enough, Jonathan Toews, meanwhile, was nowhere to be found, hiding behind a skirt, no doubt, until a minute before the end of game 7.

Coach Joel Quenneville encourages such gutlessness. He sports a big old moustache all-year round, because he constantly needs something to hide behind. Go to YouTube and you can find a video of him turtling like a big ol’ turtle while Bobby Nystrom pummels the tar out of him. I’m sure he blamed Nystrom for picking on him afterwards too.

Ashamed at his weakass team, Stan Bowman added size and toughness this summer, a direct result of the 100% legal abuse the Hawks suffered against Vancouver.

And so here come the Canucks, the same group of powerful, skilful, Stanley Cup finalists who alternate between perfect and being awesome when they’re not beating the tar out of the Blackhawks, who spend most of the game whining about their inferiority.

Prepare to be entertained.

 

Disclaimer: this is satire. If I actually believed this, I’d be embarrassed for myself.

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19 comments

  1. Anonymous
    November 6, 2011

    Extremely accurate post.

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    • Anonymous
      November 6, 2011

      Oh I now see you added a disclaimer. You mean you weren’t serious? Dang it now I look simply ridiculous.

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      • Harrison Mooney
        November 6, 2011

        Ha. Had to do it. The last thing I want is someone missing that this is tongue-in-cheek and thinking I actually think this.

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        • Nee
          November 6, 2011

          That is some grade-A faux trolling, sir.

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        • peanutflower
          November 6, 2011

          But you know it’s going to happen anyway. It’s going to be quoted as the truth by someone and then a million hockey fans will point the finger about journalistic homerism. Plus all the Canuck fans who jumped back on the bandwagon tonight.

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          • Lexie
            November 6, 2011

            We all know that PITB is the entire blogosphere.

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  2. yapperface
    November 6, 2011

    It seems strange to me when people badmouth our media guys all the time. They’re not perfect, but they don’t churn out the one-sided garbage like Rozner in Chicago, Tencer in Edmonton and Russo in Minnesota. The bandwagon of hating on the Canucks rolls on…

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    • Nee
      November 6, 2011

      I wouldn’t include Russo in that, but yeah, Rozner is a real piece of work. But perhaps he’s the Chi town equivalent of Tony Gallagher…reviled by the fanbase of the team he represents?

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  3. Anonymous
    November 6, 2011

    Is Rozner even a Hawks fan? His “articles” spend more time trolling the Canucks than reporting on anything to do with the Blackhawks.

    I think he’s a closet fan. Let’s pitch in and send him a Rome jersey (whom Rozner so accurately labels as a leader of our thug parade)

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  4. Reece
    November 6, 2011

    Let the quote mining begin

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  5. The Bookie
    November 6, 2011

    In the spirit of this post, I predict Max Lapierre will have a Gordie Howe hat-trick tonight.

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  6. Brosef Stalin
    November 6, 2011

    I thought all trolling on PITB was supposed to be in poetry form?

    I expect this re-submitted and on my desk by 9am tomorrow ;)

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    • Rituro
      November 6, 2011

      I’m certain Jenny Wren will be by once she’s finished recovering from the game. PP clinics such as the one we just witnessed tend to inspire great works of art.

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  7. cambo
    November 6, 2011

    hey the girls showed up tonight. Must be free Cosmopolitans at the bar across the street from the United Center..

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  8. Gordie T.
    November 6, 2011

    This stuff does a number on the lizard part of the brain. I read Rozner’s colum first and was filled with a towering, righteous rage at how this imbecile was twisting the facts only to read this, nod vehemently throughout and at the end shout, “F—’N RIGHTS! TOO DAMN TRUE” while looking around for someone smaller to beat up.

    Wonderful stuff.

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    • peanutflower
      November 6, 2011

      so true. At the risk of getting myself into a towering, righteous rage, though, and succumbing to self flagellation in a dark basement, how does one get to read Rozner’s columns? On the Daily Herald you have to pay, and I sure ain’t. Are they posted somewhere else for free? If I’m going to beat myself over the head and feel generally down I don’t have to have to pay for it. Anyone?

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      • Lexie
        November 6, 2011

        @peanutflower, if you click the X on the paywall notification, then stop the auto-refresh that happens, you can read the article.

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        • peanutflower
          November 6, 2011

          i spend 18 hours a day sitting in front of my PC working and I don’t know what you mean by “stop the auto-refresh”. Seriously.

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          • Lexie
            November 7, 2011

            Ahh, sorry. Cold medication delirium. When you try to access the page, the pay wall pop-up comes up on top of the actual article. When you exit out of the pop-up, the page will start to refresh or redirect itself (not sure where to), but if you just press the stop button on your browser, you can stay on the page and read the article without paying.

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