As Barry Rozner said, in a column much less satirical but, embarrasingly, no less one-sided and delusional than this one, “It’s early in the season but Sunday night will feature a charged atmosphere that may come as close as any to resembling a playoff buzz at the UC, reminiscent of the Hawks-Stars battles of the ’80s.”
Should be fun. To those looking for evidence to back up the claim that rivalries are made in the playoffs, look no further than the antagonism between the Canucks and the Blackhawks, who have faced each other in three consecutive postseasons.
No, there’s no love lost between these two organizations.
It’s no surprise. Good and evil have clashed since the dawn of time, and when one team is objectively good, such as the Canucks, and one team is objectively bad, such as the Blackhawks, acrimony is all but guaranteed.
The Blackhawks are bitter, probably because during the Stanley Cup Final in June, they were sitting at home, crying like kindergartners serving detention over recess.
They have no one to blame but themselves. Turns out you can’t mail in more than half your games, either in the regular season, or in the postseason (where you need to win more than half the time), and still win. Of course they’re bitter over losing — teams prone to embarrassing somnambulism of the sort Chicago displayed last year usually are.
Heck, even when they win, they’re indifferent and unintelligent, such as when they won the Stanley Cup and nobody thought to retrieve the game-winning puck. As philosopher Chris Pronger once said, this is a group of “Little minds.”
The only time they seem to care is when they’re riding in the back of cars — then it’s time to get naked and/or assault the driver.
Thankfully, the Blackhawks seem to be playing with a little more fire this season. While the Canucks are still nursing a hangover from the long playoff run of last season, the well-rested Blackhawks have gotten out to a strong 8-2-3 start. They’re taking the game a lot more seriously, too: Jonathan Toews even threw a vicious open-ice hit on an unsuspecting child, just to prove a cowardly point.
Of course, cowardly is synonymous with the Chicago Blackhawks.
Rather than respond after Raffi Torres hit him with a clean and legal hit, according to league ruling, Brent Seabrook retreated into the “quiet room”, no doubt to read The Very Hungry Caterpillar until he felt better.
The only Blackhawk brave and stupid enough to stand up for himself versus Bieksa the regular way was Viktor Stalberg, who earned himself a tidy pummelling for trying. The Blackhawks, children, the lot of them, of course blamed Bieksa for hitting him too hard.
There was Dave Bolland incessantly and gutlessly slashing at the Sedins while the referees forgot they had whistles, too. And then, when the Blackhawks lost, he claimed he wasn’t at 100%, the coward’s way of excusing the fact that, good as he was, he wasn’t good enough.
And speaking of not good enough, Jonathan Toews, meanwhile, was nowhere to be found, hiding behind a skirt, no doubt, until a minute before the end of game 7.
Coach Joel Quenneville encourages such gutlessness. He sports a big old moustache all-year round, because he constantly needs something to hide behind. Go to YouTube and you can find a video of him turtling like a big ol’ turtle while Bobby Nystrom pummels the tar out of him. I’m sure he blamed Nystrom for picking on him afterwards too.
Ashamed at his weakass team, Stan Bowman added size and toughness this summer, a direct result of the 100% legal abuse the Hawks suffered against Vancouver.
And so here come the Canucks, the same group of powerful, skilful, Stanley Cup finalists who alternate between perfect and being awesome when they’re not beating the tar out of the Blackhawks, who spend most of the game whining about their inferiority.
Prepare to be entertained.
Disclaimer: this is satire. If I actually believed this, I’d be embarrassed for myself.Tags: Bieksa, Blackhawks, Canucks, kane, quenneville, Rivalry, Toews