If you’re new to the Canucks vs Zombies saga, go get yourself caught up right now with part I and part II. And, as a disclaimer, this is a silly work of fiction designed to respond to a silly fan question. Please do not take it in any way seriously.

*******

“It’s done,” Dan Hamhuis says, re-entering the room, his eyes desperate to unsee what he has just seen. Another man’s blood drips from his face, clothes, and hands. He says it again. “It’s done.”

But it’s not as though you didn’t already know. The sound of the skate sharpener scything through flesh and bone will never leave you as long as you live, however long or short that might be.

“What now?” Hamhuis asks.

“We just wait,” says Roberto Luongo. “They can’t get in here, and we can’t leave.”

“Wait for what?” says Daniel Sedin. “Someone to save us? No one’s coming.”

“Someone has to come,” says Luongo.

Suddenly, on his way back to his stall, Hamhuis staggers and falls to one knee. Tanner Glass and Mason Raymond jump to his aid.

“Stay back,” Hamhuis says, trying once again to stand. He stumbles a second time, and falling back to his knees. He begins to cough, then, suddenly, he emits a low, guttural moan. It slowly transforms into a protest. “Nooooo…” he drones. 

“What’s happening?” Glass asks?

“I think…” Hamhuis mumbles, before letting out another low man. “I think… I think some of the blood got into my eyes–” He stops. His eyes roll around in his head, then he chomps at the air. The sound of his teeth clacking together makes your stomach churn. You notice his fingers beginning to curl, but in all the wrong directions. “I’m becoming one of them.” 

Raymond tries to help him to his feet. “Back off, Mason!” He shouts.

The room falls silent, save for Hamhuis’s soft wail. Then, suddenly, he begins to move, with purpose, towards the dressing room door.

“Hammer, what are you doing?” Luongo asks.

“I’m going out,” Hamhuis says, “Before… before I come after you.” He swipes at the handle, missing it twice. Finally, he grabs ahold of it.

Just as he opens the door, he falls forward. There is a sound like a wet twig breaking. When you look next, his hand still has a firm grip on the handle. Unfortunately, it’s no longer attached to his arm.

But the door is open, and the dead have noticed.

Glass and Raymond make a desperate attempt to get the door shut, trying to drag Hamhuis back into the room. But suddenly, he lets out a loud roar and bites Glass on the arm. Glass falls backwards, leaving a large chunk of his flesh in the mouth of the Canucks’ defenseman.

Raymond lets go and retreats into the room, but Glass goes back, desperate to clear the entrance. The horde drags him instead into the hall. You can hear them feasting. Others still are stepping over Hamhuis’s body and into the room. There’s no getting that door closed now.

“The other way!” Luongo shouts. He swings his goalie stick wildly at the shambling multitude, but the sticks slips from his hands. Thankfully, there’s a pile of sticks in the center of the room. Luongo collects two. You do the same.

Kevin Bieksa throws the back door open. There are zombies waiting there as well. The room begins to fill with the undead from both sides. You fall to the ground.

The room descends into chaos as the undead and the living fight for space. You can hear the pained cries of the bitten, the satisfied cries of the biters equally. 

Some of the players are getting out, and you will yourself to your feet to follow them out into the hall, only discover that you’re trapped. There are zombies coming at you from both sides.

Then, from seemingly nowhere, a zamboni bursts through a wall of the walking dead. It’s Fin. He’s cleared a path for you. He motions you to go back towards the ice. You can’t believe that, even in this moment of crisis, he refuses to talk. What a true professional.

He throws the zamboni into reverse, running down a pack of walkers that would have stood in your way.

You step out onto the ice, where you discover that you have something of an advantage. Shuffling as they do, the zombies can’t keep their balance on the slippery surface. Still, there are a lot of them, and they swipe and claw at your feet from their bellies. Whenever possible, the Canucks drive hockey sticks into their heads.

“Where are we going?” Roberto Luongo asks. You can hear the hopelessness in his voice.

“Up here!” someone shouts.

You look up. It’s Keith Ballard. He’s up in the rafters, waving. The lucky guy was a healthy scratch.

Suddenly, to your horror, you spot a zombie approaching him from behind. But Ballard simply shoves it over the edge. It falls at your feet, leaving an ungainly spatter on the ice below. You make sure to cover your face, remembering what happened to Hamhuis.

“Bally’s got the right idea,” says Daniel Sedin. “We need to get up there.” Then, looking around as creatures descend the stairs in the lower bowl: “And we need to go now.”

But the benches are full of zombies crawling over one another to get to you, and you can’t go back into the bowels of the arena. You look around. You’re trapped.

Once again, it’s Fin to the rescue. Still atop the zamboni, he comes bursting from the tunnel, and he drives straight into the glass behind the net. The collision throws him from the machine. He lands on the ice, where he’s swarmed by crawling dead. 

But the collision has loosened a plexiglass panel, and it’s now possible for you to climb over the zamboni and out into the stands. If you hurry, you can get to the stairs before the creatures.  

“Lets go,” Daniel says.

 

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10 comments

  1. Mary
    October 28, 2011

    YAY! Canucks and zombies story time!

    I have to admit, while I smiled at Fin and the zamboni (and felt so badly for Fin at the end), I lost it at Ballard shoving the zombie.

    Poor Hamhuis.

    Is there going to be a part 4?!

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  2. Zach Morris
    October 28, 2011

    Grotesquely interesting!
    Keep it up!

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  3. jaspreet
    October 28, 2011

    “You look up. It’s Keith Ballard. He’s up in the rafters, waving. The lucky guy was a healthy scratch.”

    Yeah, look on the bright side Ballard, if there’s a zombie apocalypse you’ll be safe! Hilarious post, keep up the great work! :)

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  4. JM
    October 28, 2011

    Poor Fin. Love the bit about Luongo’s stick slipping out of his hands :P (Not that I’m on the Luongo hater bandwagon at all, but I can appreciate that one)

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  5. tom selleck's moustache
    October 28, 2011

    “It’s Fin. He’s cleared a path for you. He motions you to go back towards the ice. You can’t believe that, even in this moment of crisis, he refuses to talk. What a true professional.”

    Poor fin, valiant to the last. That was pretty funny.

    Ditto with Ballard, although I think that, somehow, he would have found a way to dispose of the zombie via a hip check.

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  6. Rinslet
    October 28, 2011

    I’m actually sad that both Rome and Hamhuis had to die, but laughed so much at Ballard shoving the zombie away. I’m surprised he didn’t hipcheck that mofo. I hope he’s the last man standing in all thsi, tbh.

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  7. Sky
    October 28, 2011

    You have a Terri le way of making me almost cry then burst in laughter. I hate this. I also really love it.

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  8. Jesse
    October 28, 2011

    Oh man, I hope everyone doesn’t die except for the narrator… Anyways, loved it. It reminds me of those Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books I read as a kid.

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  9. Nlee
    October 28, 2011

    Aw, I miss Tanner. What a hero.

    I have a feeling that Chris “Kiss Huggins” Higgins’ insatiable desire for hugs is going to get him killed. You’re shambling, with your arms outstretched, towards me? Hello friend!

    Is it bad that I hope Tony Gallagher gets eaten by zombies at some point?

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  10. Gabrielle
    October 30, 2011

    This is SO GROSS! But entertaining!!

    Why did Rome and Hamhuis have to die? Do you have something against defensemen? :(

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