While the Canucks.com message boards can be hive of scum and villainy so scummy and so villainous they make the Mos Eisley space bar look like the Mos Eisley space church, the forum can also provide some quality chuckles on occasion. Such is the case with “Marko Sturm = the next Uwe Krupp?”, a thread started by forummer “ThaManBeast” over at the aforementioned scum-hive. Let’s take a look:

Marko Sturm is legendary! Thank you GIllis for this fantastic offseason addition.

Okay, what?

Sturm hasn’t exactly lit the city on fire in his debut, and if he keeps playing the way he has been, he won’t be around when Canuck fans light the city on fire next June, either. The German-born winger has only one shot through his first four games and has combined with Mikael Samuelsson to do little else but get the Canucks’ second line demoted to the fourth. Legendary might be pushing it.

Bearing this in mind — and the fact that a) It’s Marco, not Marko and b) Uwe Krupp was a defenseman, so the comparison doesn’t make any sense — I’m fairly certain “ThaManBeast” is joking. I’m not positive, however, since it’s still the Canucks.com message boards, where common sense is on the list of banned users.

But if he’s not joking, everyone else is. I think. The first response, from ”srsface”, is either the definition of insanity or quality sarcasm:

I agree, I was confused at the signing but Sturm has been fantastic. He brings out the best in Cody, maybe he could do what Sundin did for Kesler, in maturing him. I can see Sturm scoring 40 goals along side Kesler, maybe even 50 with the Sedins. 

He’s also a veteran, I believe he will step it up in the playoffs. We need a game-breaker, and that is him. Re-signing him this off-season is a must. And that is why MG is GM, he finds bargains. 

Bargains indeed.

And “kanucks25″ is either substantially less subtle or substantially less intelligent, I can’t tell which:

I totally agree, Sturm is everything this team needed to take the next step. Coming into the season, the Canucks required a legit top-6 winger to put them over the top, but MG went above and beyond the requirements. 

The way Sturm plays really reminds me of Trevor Linden in the early 90′s. He battles for every inch of ice, always strong on the puck and his ferocious efforts when back-checking are amazing.

I know you said that you think Sturm should play with Kesler when he comes back, but I really think that this current second line should stay how it is and Kesler should be put on the 3rd or 4th line so he doesn’t disrupt the chemistry. I think we have a special thing going here; Sturm may end up being the best free-agent signing of the modern era. 

It’s too bad he’s had injury troubles during his career. There’s no doubt that he’d be known as the best European forward in NHL history if he was able to stay healthy.

My favourite part is when he suggests Ryan Kesler stay in the bottom six, so as to not disrupt chemistry. That’s a nice touch.

Eventually, “Kyle” comes along and asks the question we’re all thinking:

What in gods name am I reading

At which point “micgao” adjusts his words slightly:

“What in gods Marco Sturm’s name am I reading”

Fixed

Okay, yeah, they’re definitely joking. If there’s one thing I know about God, it’s that he accomplishes a whole lot more in a week than Marco Sturm.

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9 comments

  1. Timmy Wong
    October 14, 2011

    “I’m not positive, however, since it’s still the Canucks.com message boards, where common sense is on the list of banned users.”

    Thanks to that, I have now changed my CDC username to “common sense”.

    PItB, +1 to you!

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  2. Mallick
    October 14, 2011

    The first time I read the title of this article, I read “Uwe Boll,” rather than “Uwe Krupp.” You know, the guy who makes all those terrible movie adaptations of video games?

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    • Harrison Mooney
      October 14, 2011

      Oh, I know who Uwe Boll is, trust me. On a handful of occasions, I’ve stopped watching a movie I selected on Netflix after seeing his name flash at the opening credits.

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      • The Bookie
        October 14, 2011

        So glad I wasn’t the only one who read that as Uwe Boll.

        Also, so glad you PITB guys caught this thread. I almost emailed y’all a link when it was first developing. Best CDC thread since the Raffi Torres Is Literally A Bowling Ball thread.

        ¡Viva La Sturma!

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        • The Bookie
          October 14, 2011

          Also, I can’t find the post right now, but my nomination for best post in the thread was the guy who suggested Mike Gillis drop whatever he’s doing and fly to Detroit to sign Sturm to an extension, because …. wait for it ….

          The Early Bird Gets The Sturm

          … and honorable mention to another poster, for suggesting that anytime Marco scores, the announcers should call it ‘dropping off a sample at the sturm bank’.

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  3. Mallick
    October 14, 2011

    Yeah. It was a comparison that made enough sense that I did not clue in until you mentioned that Krupp was a defenseman.

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  4. Rituro
    October 15, 2011

    “Sturm hasn’t exactly lit the city on fire in his debut, and if he keeps playing the way he has been, he won’t be around when Canuck fans light the city on fire next June, either.”

    The rare optimism-pessimism double-zing! Outstanding.

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  5. Kate Fullerton
    October 16, 2011

    OMG! put kesler on the third or fouth line!!! what the hell is that idiot thinking!!!

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  6. Zach Morris
    October 16, 2011

    Thread of the year?
    In my humble opinion, it beats the split squad thread like a….
    Like a….
    I got nothing.

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