"Congratulations on your Olympic gold medal, Ryan Miller."

Vancouverites probably remember the elation that ran through them when Alex Burrows scored the overtime winner to finally get the best of the Chicago Blackhawks in the postseason, but imagine how you might have felt if, say, you lived in Chicago. What do you think is the exact opposite of that elation? All-consuming rage? I’m imagining Angry Hawks Fan, but much, much angrier. Truth is, as much as Canuck Nation seems to think that their playoff victory officially evened the score, it only served to leave the Blackhawks feeling one down. The revenge motif is now a two-way street — beating Vancouver next season is Chicago’s number one priority, and they’ve been stocking up on grit this offseason (often right under the Canucks’ nose) with this goal fully in mind. Hence, the Blackhawks’ acquisition of noted shift disturber Dan Carcillo.

Carcillo is a stereotypical goon, right down to the fact that he doesn’t quite exude knowledge and wisdom. When asked about the rivalry with the Canucks in his introductory press conference, for instance, he showed that he wasn’t fully caught up on the offseason roster moves of his new nemesis. From TSN.ca:

“I watched that series and I’m actually pretty excited to play them because there’s a few guys there that I think played a little bit outside of their shoes,” Carcillo said. “I think I can keep most of those guys in check when we play them this year so I’m pretty excited to play them.”

When asked to name specifically which players he had a problem with, the 26-year-old winger didn’t hold back.

“Lapierre, Glass, and Torres. Just because. Lapierre’s at the top of the list.”

Thank goodness Lapierre’s at the top, otherwise, Carcillo’s not even getting one deep before he realizes his Vancouver hit list is impossible. Someone should tell him that, when he’s calling out a team, it helps to call out players that presently play for them.

But this story has been severely underreported. It turns out that Carcillo made a bevy of other questionable, somewhat misinformed comments at his press conference. Great news, too: we at PITB got our hands on a complete transcript, and we’ve compiled the top 20 #CarcilloQuotes right here:

 

  1. “Lots of turnover in Philadelphia this year. It’s gonna be a dogfight for me to crack that roster.”
  2. “I don’t think anyone’s ever gonna kill Voldemort.”
  3. “Whatever lady marries that Prince William is gonna be one lucky gal.”
  4. “My favourite movie is The Sixth Sense. It’s about a kid who sees dead people and his fully alive psychologist.”
  5. “At center, the Kings might be the deepest team in the NHL now. I mean, Kopitar, Richards, Gretzky — how do you stop that?”
  6. “What I hate most is when I’m under a blanket, but my arms are pinned so I can’t reach the remote or phone. Someone should invent a blanket with sleeves.”
  7. “Who am I most looking forward to playing with? Brian Campbell, Chris Campoli, and Keith Seabrook. Just because.”
  8. “Sean Bean is going to absolutely carry season 2 of Game of Thrones.”
  9. “Shutting down the Canucks’ powerplay is priority number one. Ryan Walter’s got that first unit humming.”
  10. “My subscription to News of the World is good through 2012.”
  11. “I think The Paul Reiser Show is really gonna find its voice next year.”
  12. “I’m excited to join the Hawks. As soon as I get home, I’m tweeting Mike Duco about it.”
  13. “Jeff Marek is the future of CBC.”
  14. “I’m glad to sign in Chicago, although I’m not sure why Atlanta never called me back.”
  15. “I don’t care if I’m gonna take flack for this. New York needs to legalize gay marriage.”
  16. “I think the The Sharks and Wild are going to get great seasons from Dany Heatley and Martin Havlat, respectively.”
  17. “My favourite power-couple? Tiger Woods and Elin Woods. No, actually, Tiger Woods and Steve Williams.”
  18. “The Vancouver riot was regrettable, but at least social media made it easy to locate and charge those involved.”
  19. “The Toronto Blue Jays always seem to know what the White Sox pitchers are planning. That can’t be anything but good coaching.”
  20. “I really think 2006 is gonna my year.”
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37 comments

  1. Zach Morris
    August 11, 2011

    four or five of those seem reasonable to me. :(
    #outoftouch

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  2. Bort Sampson
    August 11, 2011

    Thought these were going to be actual quotes from carbomb. Disappointed to see they’re completely fabricated.

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    • Daniel Wagner
      August 11, 2011

      Damn, we’ve disappointed Bart Simpson. Wait, you’re not Bart! You’re some completely fabricated person!

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    • Harrison Mooney
      August 11, 2011

      Sorry to disappoint you, Bort.

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  3. zoidberg
    August 11, 2011

    your article is bad and you should feel bad

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  4. Bort
    August 11, 2011

    “Mommy mommy, buy me a license plate!”
    “Are you talking to me?”
    “No, my son is also named Bort.”

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  5. Chinstrap Joe
    August 11, 2011

    Seriously – I cannot wait for Lapierre to goad Carcillo into dropping his gloves and then skate away with that Lapierian smirk on his face. Carcillo’s head will explode and the ice will be then covered with confetti…

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  6. Island_Insider
    August 11, 2011

    I thought it was funny.

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  7. Rituro
    August 11, 2011

    21. “AC/DC? Love ‘em. Even the newer stuff sounds like Bon Scott hasn’t aged a day.”

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  8. Cindy
    August 11, 2011

    outrageous but hilarious article as usual! Leave it to pitb to provide entertainment even in the offseason:)

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  9. TubaNat
    August 11, 2011

    Comedy Gold.

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  10. HawksOwnVan
    August 12, 2011

    Looks like a certain team is already in some of the fans heads this year already. I wonder if the players are feeling the same….

    Here is to round 4.

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    • Daniel Wagner
      August 12, 2011

      I don’t care if a certain team is in the fans’ heads. I care if a certain team is in the players’ heads.

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  11. Qris Johnson
    August 12, 2011

    Actually, if you watch the video, Carcillo said Laperriere until someone corrected him.

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  12. crazed canuck
    August 12, 2011

    hahahaha sweet article, sorry bort off season isn’t always serious buddy, thought the marek quote was hilarious, great work!

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  13. BiteThisCup
    August 12, 2011

    I love that Carcillo is coming out of the gate calling the Canucks for what everyone else in the NHL knows them to be: spineless, whining, diving, under achievers. You can’t wait for “Lapierre to goad him into dropping his gloves”?? Seriously you think that is clever and respectable? A hard working guy who draws a legitimate penalty is admirable. A punk who dives, pretends to want to fight or fakes an injury to get a call is an embarrassment to his team, his family and his city. Vancouver hockey seems to have many of them employed, the rest are “rioting” in the streets at any opportunity – beats getting a job I guess.

    Stay classy Vancouver! Too bad such great talent will never overcome the lack of integrity and heart – but second place is definitely a possibility you guys:)

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    • Harrison Mooney
      August 12, 2011

      Ha, an embarrassment to his family and his city. Not sure if hockey quite carries the level of import you’re assuming. Lapierre dove! Now everyone in Vancouver has to commit suicide!

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    • Daniel Wagner
      August 12, 2011

      The best part about this comment is that you think you’re talking about the Canucks, but you’re actually talking about Carcillo the entire time.

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      • Harrison Mooney
        August 12, 2011

        Heh. Good point. *gold star*

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  14. BiteThisCup
    August 12, 2011

    I know I am talking about the Canucks, as do all of the other players who have spoken out on the issue in recent months. Carcillo is a punk but he will back it up unlike Lapierre and Burrows. If you choose to play that way at least have the b*alls to drop the gloves and let people police themselves. Sedin Sisters falling over when they are barely touched? You like that? Really?!

    Harry- Lapierre is certainly an embarrassment to anyone who loves hockey – which I assumed (maybe incorrectly) was most of Vancouver. Nobody mentioned suicide but apparently arson and random destruction are within your means when you lose. Classy.

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    • Daniel Wagner
      August 12, 2011

      Personally, I love the innovation you’re bringing with your trolling techniques. Riot jokes and Sedin Sisters references: you’re really breaking new ground. Make sure to toss in a comment on how Luongo can’t handle pressure, we’ve never heard those before.

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    • Twitch
      August 12, 2011

      Lol…hawks fans.

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  15. BiteThisCup
    August 12, 2011

    No need as it sounds like you agree. It’s not my job to pump his tires.

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    • Daniel Wagner
      August 12, 2011

      But if it’s not your job, who will do it? Tim Thomas? Not likely. Who can we depend on if not you?

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  16. BiteThisCup
    August 12, 2011

    Tim is too busy with all those trophies. Big ones.

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    • Daniel Wagner
      August 12, 2011

      I know, we can’t depend on him at all. Clearly, you’re the right man for the job and I’m glad you’re offering your services. You’ll need to provide your own tire pump, however, and we won’t be able to cover your moving expenses.

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  17. Marshmont
    August 12, 2011

    What’s the difference between Saturn and Vancouver?

    Saturn has rings

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    • Harrison Mooney
      August 12, 2011

      Shot to the heart.

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  18. Marshmont
    August 12, 2011

    Wow censorship does exist. I see my post was taken down. Lame!

    I didn’t mean to incite a riot. DOH!

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    • Harrison Mooney
      August 12, 2011

      No, it wasn’t. It just hadn’t been approved yet.

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  19. Zach Morris
    August 12, 2011

    Can we just start the regular season already?
    I’d rather see people debate over meaningless minutae from the present than this NON-NEWS.

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  20. Chazz Ranger
    August 12, 2011

    I know you guys need to eat, and I’m stoked you’re getting the exposure and recognition you totally deserve, but I really miss the days of PITB before the big move let in all the idiot trolls.

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    • invisibleairwaves
      August 13, 2011

      These guys didn’t even bring poetry! Disappointing.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      August 13, 2011

      Ha. I was discussing this with another blogger yesterday. It’s the traffic curse. As soon as you reach a certain number of hits, seemingly everyone on the other side of that threshold hates you.

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    • BECanucks
      August 15, 2011

      Same here…
      I’m super happy you became as official as a Canucks blog can make it. But I miss the cozy feeling of having no trolls around.
      Thank you for your hard work.

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  21. sportshash
    August 20, 2011

    Funny how Vancouver or the Canucks have not shown up in Chicago newspapers. Truth is Chicago could care less about the Canucks except to find it horribly amusing to see a city, team, fan & media implode & be so concerned with the Blackhawks, maybe the obsession comes from the fact you know you’ll never measure up to Chicago or it’s hockey team. Keep whining Vancouver we love to see cry babies wet yourselves.

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    • Daniel Wagner
      August 20, 2011

      You realize this was all in response to something that was in Chicago newspapers, right?

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