As you’re already well aware, Mike Weir withdrew from the Canadian Open today after making a bogey and two double-bogeys in his first six holes (oh yeah, and apparently he had some sort of elbow injury).

This is the excuse he gave:

“My elbow’s really acting up. I woke up this morning and it was very sore. Thought I could play through it. Had a couple of shots in the rough this morning and I just don’t want to go down that road again where it becomes a bad injury again. So it’s very tender, very sore right now. With this deep rough, I just can’t hit it.”

Not very entertaining, Mike. It’s your national open and all you can come up with is a lingering elbow injury? Put in some work, man. Think John Daly at the 1998 Greater Vancouver Open. The fans expect a little production value. Maybe not a straight Long John rip-off, with the shakes and all, but at least give us something good to talk about.

And so, without further adieu, here are the 5 excuses Mike Weir should have made before withdrawing from today’s Canadian Open:

(1) “The barrels of Mike Weir Signature 2011 Chardonnay were getting a little too oakey… we need to get that stuff out ASAP. I’m hopping on the first plane out to our Niagara-on-the-Lake winery to put in some time. I mean, I refuse to stamp my name on a single bottle of wine that hasn’t been personally corked by yours truly. You can’t just headline something and leave halfway through… oh wait, uh… (silence).”

Good legs, nice bouquet, sour finish.

(2) “I borrowed a wedge from Andres Gonzales and I somehow managed to misplace it… Okay, I lost it, alright? It happens to everyone. Left it right next to the third green and I guess the group behind me didn’t pick it up. And, man, I’m not taking my chances running into that guy.”

Andres Gonzales: Half Man, Half Amazing

(3) “This Bob Weeks guy just won’t leave me alone. I mean, enough is enough. The restraining order clearly states 250 yards – and I almost hit him with a drive yesterday – so it had to be close. I haven’t hit one over 240 in years.”

(4) “I’ve decided to change banks – RBC just isn’t cutting it for me anymore. I’m actually thinking about heading the credit union route. And it reached a boiling point today when I tried to take some money out of the ATM between the 6th green and the 7th tee. They wanted to charge me a $2.75 processing fee. I mean, $1.25 was bad enough. But $2.75? You’ve got to draw the line somewhere.”

Mike Weir injury? Like money in the bank.

(5) “You didn’t hear it from me, Canada, but you should know that your precious new national golf hero, Matt McQuillan, he hates old people, he hates children, and he hates dogs.”