For Vancouver hockey fans, this has been the worst summer ever. First, the Canucks made it to within one win of the Stanley Cup Final and, excruciatingly, no further. That stings. Second, the weather is the pits right now, meaning there’s little else to do but sit inside, staring at A) the window, where the summer sun should be, or B) the computer, where the Canucks.com 2011-12 preseason schedule taunts you with its imminence.

If you’re doing the latter, you may have noticed the curious bit of scheduling with which it begins. Forummer “NUCKS4CUP 28″ did, which is why he started the thread There’s something incredibly wrong with the preseason schedule over at the CDC message boards. In it, he presents what appears to be evidence of an overlap between our universe and the one next to it, where all the Canucks’ road and home games are switched:

Tues., Sept. 20th vs Calgary – 7:00 pm
Tues., Sept. 20th @ Calgary – 7:00 pm

Thurs., Sept. 22nd @ Edmonton – 6:00 pm
Sat., Sept. 24th vs Anaheim – 7:00 pm

On September 20th, they play Calgary in Vancouver at 7:00PM, and play Calgary in Calgary at 7:00PM.

ARE THEY WIZARDS!

Good question. Are they? Well, no (apart from the Sedins). And the preseason isn’t an Escher painting. The Canucks will simply be sending half their massive training camp roster to Calgary (and vice versa for the Flames) for two concurrent split-squad games. You’ll recall that the Canucks did the same last season, kicking off the preseason with the slow-burning torture of two simultaneous losses to the Calgary Flames.

Now, I’m uncertain of whether “NUCKS4CUP 28″ was being forgetful or facetious, but uncertainty definitely didn’t slow the tidal wave of smartasses that live in the armpit of the Internet. What followed was fourteen pages of pure, unadulterated (and often hilarious) smarm:

Within two minutes, five people had  responded with the correct explanation, like “Hockeyrulz”:

It’s called split-squad games. Send half the team to Calgary and half to Vancouver. When you have 40+ players on your roster you can do that. We did it last season as well.

Then “JustJokinen!” introduced sarcasm:

Has anyone mentioned it’s a split squad game yet?

Then “avelanch” did the same:

hey guys i think it might be a split squad game, you know, like last season?

Then “Mannimal Hoetruck”, whose name inspires questions, introduced sarcasm AND all caps:

MAYBE ITS LIKE A LIKE SPLIT LIKE SQUAD GAME

But seriously, anyone know the answer? 50% chance it’s a split squad game, right?

And “Niloc009″ tried to help:

Yeah. There’s a 50% chance it’s a split squad game, and a 50% chance it’s just a game where the squads are split.

“NoCupForOvie” tries an out-there explanation:

I heard that all forty players are split in half with an axe. Then, their half-bodies are randomly reattached. Half of the newly created players are sent to Calgary, while the rest stay in Vancouver.

That way, we can have Danrik and Heniel Sedin. Each with the qualities of both Sedins, except in one player.

And “StoneColdSteveBernier” points out the potential problem with this solution:

What happens if Aaron Rome’s halves are sewn to Keith Ballard’s halves? Then we’d have a real dilemma on our hands. AV would be torn.

“Babbysfirsttroll” called on Mike Gillis to patch the wormhole:

This is a serious problem MG fix this right NOW

And “Canuckswillwinthecuponeday” suggested some Back to the Future-style shenanigans:

Time Travel

“Captain Can” tried to help, but struggled with the terminology:

Its a called a divided team match.

“JLumme” did too:

They spilt up the squad into two teams and send one to Calgary and one to Van – the name of this process escapes me though.

Finally, “Ice Java” tried to bring things back to earth:

Ask an honest question on CDC.

Get thrashed for it.

Typical.

But, by then, the smartasses had grown too strong for him. Here’s “Avelanch” again:

Thrashers moved to winnipeg… so now you get Jets-ed for it.

Groan.

 

The Canucks.com message boards are often a source of high comedy. Check out their attempts, from last year, to give Shane O’Brien a new nickname.

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11 comments

  1. D to the W
    July 21, 2011

    … and in the games, there’s just everything.

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    • Daniel Wagner
      July 21, 2011

      …and there’s no referees, just David Hasselhoff impersonators dressed like lifeguards running everywhere…

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    • Harrison Mooney
      July 21, 2011

      http://youtu.be/KWQohWo4-Ho

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  2. Cam Charron
    July 21, 2011

    Great minds think alike Mooney. So do ours: http://www.nucksmisconduct.com/2011/7/12/2272742/goldmining-the-cdc-chapter-three#71781043

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  3. BECanucks
    July 21, 2011

    Reallllly slow news days, these days… (But I have to admit I’m laughing hard in front of my computer, great selection!)
    Thank you, we needed that.

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  4. Canuck Clay
    July 21, 2011

    Great stuff Harrison. I’m actually afraid to post on CDC…I only put a select few of my video blogs there. And then I mentally prepare myself for the onslaught.

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    • The Bookie
      July 21, 2011

      I wouldn’t take it to heart, unless you get deNiro or Sid Is Sid… or one of those guys flaming you, as they’re the ones actually promoting intellectual discussion.

      I estimate over 90% of the members there to be high-school or younger, or retired cranks still learning what them internets is for. Witness, for example, the number of users who seem to think Ari Gold shouting ‘GTFO’ in Entourage to be the high water mark of television writing. In that light, something like PITB was a godsend for me.

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  5. Rituro
    July 21, 2011

    Ah, CDC; you will never find a more wretched hive of scum, villainy and hilarity. Shine on, you crazy diamonds.

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  6. J21
    July 21, 2011

    There’s a JLumme there? And it’s not me?? Nutso!

    I think “babysfirsttroll” is hilarious as a handle.

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  7. FH2
    July 24, 2011

    MG’s methods of overall organizational improvement are really paying dividends here. I think that the hiring of a time travel specialist really provides a distinct edge against our opponent(s).

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    • Harrison Mooney
      July 24, 2011

      Oh yes, I concur.

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