In 1994, the Vancouver Canucks went to the Stanley Cup Final and lost in 7 games. The city responded with a shameful riot. Now, in 2011, the Canucks went to the Stanley Cup Final and lost in 7 games. The city responded with an even more shameful riot. The synchronicity is truly astounding. So what if the future holds the same fate for this season’s Canucks as it did the ’94 Canucks? What is Vancouver’s fate? What will happen in the next 5 years?
- With the opportunity to return to the Stanley Cup Final in 2012, the Canucks attempt will be interrupted by an unexpected lockout. Unable to gel together as a team under new head coach Rick Bowness in the shortened season, they’ll be swept in the second round by none other than the Chicago Blackhawks. Every single Canucks fan will attempt to locate Gary Bettman and punch him in the nose.
- In the 2012 off-season, the Canucks will trade 2 prospects and their first round pick for a Russian superstar – Alexander Ovechkin – hoping he will find chemistry with the Sedin twins on the first line. The chemistry will never have a chance to develop, as both Henrik and Daniel will suffer season-ending knee injuries simultaneously.
- The Canucks will move into a brand new arena in 2012-13, once again sponsored by GM. The Vancouver Giants will move into Rogers Arena and a revived Salmon-Kings ECHL team will take over the Pacific Coliseum.
- In March of 2013, a minor deal in prospects with Winnipeg will result in one of the most lopsided trades in team history, as the Canucks will acquire former Pittsburgh Penguins first round pick and future Canucks captain and leading scorer, Angelo Esposito.
- In the 2014 off-season, the Canucks will sign Zdeno Chara, who will insist on taking both Henrik’s #33 and the captaincy. A few years later he will sign an endorsement deal with Coca-Cola and star in commercials with the odd catch-phrase, “Betcha can’t have just a sip.”
- Also in the 2014 off-season, the Canucks will introduce yet another new jersey and logo with no connection whatsoever to previous jerseys. The jersey will feature a teal and brown colour scheme and the logo will be a savage-looking grizzly bear grasping a hockey puck in one paw.
- Shortly into the 2014-15 season, the team will hire Claude Julien as their head coach. He will eventually take over as de facto general manager and make a number of trades, the most unpopular being Ryan Kesler to the New York Islanders for power forward Brock Nelson and defenseman Travis Hamonic. He will inexplicably insist on being referred to as “Iron Claude.”
- After one of the worst seasons in their history, the Canucks will hire a former NHL vice-president as their new general manager in the summer of 2015: Colin Campbell.
- Halfway through the 2015-16 season, Claude Julien will be fired and young superstar head coach Guy Boucher will be brought in as his replacement. He will hitch his wagon to a severely underperforming goaltender, which will eventually sink his career and result in him doing colour commentary for the rest of his life.
- Unhappy with their treatment in Vancouver, the Sedin twins will refuse to play for the Canucks in the 2015-16 season as a ploy to get traded. In January, 2016, they will be traded to the Florida Panthers in a massive deal that somehow includes Kevin Weekes.
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