In 1994, the Vancouver Canucks went to the Stanley Cup Final and lost in 7 games. The city responded with a shameful riot. Now, in 2011, the Canucks went to the Stanley Cup Final and lost in 7 games. The city responded with an even more shameful riot. The synchronicity is truly astounding. So what if the future holds the same fate for this season’s Canucks as it did the ’94 Canucks? What is Vancouver’s fate? What will happen in the next 5 years?

  • With the opportunity to return to the Stanley Cup Final in 2012, the Canucks attempt will be interrupted by an unexpected lockout. Unable to gel together as a team under new head coach Rick Bowness in the shortened season, they’ll be swept in the second round by none other than the Chicago Blackhawks. Every single Canucks fan will attempt to locate Gary Bettman and punch him in the nose.
  • In the 2012 off-season, the Canucks will trade 2 prospects and their first round pick for a Russian superstar – Alexander Ovechkin – hoping he will find chemistry with the Sedin twins on the first line. The chemistry will never have a chance to develop, as both Henrik and Daniel will suffer season-ending knee injuries simultaneously.
  • The Canucks will move into a brand new arena in 2012-13, once again sponsored by GM. The Vancouver Giants will move into Rogers Arena and a revived Salmon-Kings ECHL team will take over the Pacific Coliseum.
  • In March of 2013, a minor deal in prospects with Winnipeg will result in one of the most lopsided trades in team history, as the Canucks will acquire former Pittsburgh Penguins first round pick and future Canucks captain and leading scorer, Angelo Esposito.
  • In the 2014 off-season, the Canucks will sign Zdeno Chara, who will insist on taking both Henrik’s #33 and the captaincy. A few years later he will sign an endorsement deal with Coca-Cola and star in commercials with the odd catch-phrase, “Betcha can’t have just a sip.”
  • Also in the 2014 off-season, the Canucks will introduce yet another new jersey and logo with no connection whatsoever to previous jerseys. The jersey will feature a teal and brown colour scheme and the logo will be a savage-looking grizzly bear grasping a hockey puck in one paw.
  • Shortly into the 2014-15 season, the team will hire Claude Julien as their head coach. He will eventually take over as de facto general manager and make a number of trades, the most unpopular being Ryan Kesler to the New York Islanders for power forward Brock Nelson and defenseman Travis Hamonic. He will inexplicably insist on being referred to as “Iron Claude.”
  • In January 2015, Roberto Luongo will be traded. It will be 7-and-a-half years before the Canucks have another consistently good goaltender.
  • After one of the worst seasons in their history, the Canucks will hire a former NHL vice-president as their new general manager in the summer of 2015: Colin Campbell.
  • Halfway through the 2015-16 season, Claude Julien will be fired and young superstar head coach Guy Boucher will be brought in as his replacement. He will hitch his wagon to a severely underperforming goaltender, which will eventually sink his career and result in him doing colour commentary for the rest of his life.
  • Unhappy with their treatment in Vancouver, the Sedin twins will refuse to play for the Canucks in the 2015-16 season as a ploy to get traded. In January, 2016, they will be traded to the Florida Panthers in a massive deal that somehow includes Kevin Weekes.

 

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20 comments

  1. Matt
    June 20, 2011

    aha, hope this doesn’t happen
    Maybe i’m too young to get it – i was a toddler in 94, but what historical event is the ovechkin trade referring to?

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    • Daniel Wagner
      June 20, 2011

      Another famous Russian Alexander: Mogilny.

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  2. Melissa W.
    June 20, 2011

    I hope not.

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  3. JoGuitar
    June 20, 2011

    The Messier allusion made me sick to my stomach all over again…

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  4. Martin Dyson
    June 20, 2011

    Props for working in the Kevin Weekes reference.

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  5. Chicky
    June 20, 2011

    Holy hell… I’m bleaching my eyes after reading that. Eghad!

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    • Daniel Wagner
      June 20, 2011

      It was actually a tad depressing to write this one: the team just completely fell apart post-’94, largely due to some incomprehensible decisions by management. I’m a little more optimistic about Gillis.

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      • J21
        June 20, 2011

        I think the main reason the team came apart was:

        (1) They weren’t quite as good as we thought. Their big leap from fringe team to division winner in 1991-92 coincided with an amazingly good year from Kirk McLean and the entry of an expansion team into their division. While Pavel Bure’s emergence and some hot seasons from Cliff Ronning and Trevor Linden did make the team legitimately better than they had ever been before, they did rack up a lot of points against the Sharks, and still were only a single game over .500 before going to the Finals in 1993-94.

        (2) Kirk McLean went to below-average quite quickly. Pat Quinn would never admit it, but in many ways, Crawford sticking steadfast to Cloutier in later years would simply be a replay of McLean remaining the starter under Quinn/Ley far longer than he ought to have. Between his divorce, a wrist injury, and the sudden obsolescence of his goaltending style (1993-94 marked the first of about a billion straight “year of the goalies” as a ton of very good, butterfly keepers entered the league), he wasn’t helping the team much in his last few years.

        (3) The circumstances that gave rise to McLean’s divorce are strictly rumor and speculation. But if there is any truth to them, that’s the sort of thing that can mess up a dressing room fast. The fact that Jeff Brown was traded without warning for spare parts suggests *something* was up with that guy, anyway.

        (4) While the details aren’t certain about this one either, the fact of an acrimonious relationship between the GM and the team superstar — as apparently was the case for Quinn and Bure — is a bad thing too.

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        • gog
          June 21, 2011

          You may have had an average San Jose team in your division back then, but this year you had Edmonton, Colorado and Calgary whom all were amongst the worst teams in the league.

          Though I think you’ll fare much better next season than you did last time since this is a better team than the 93-94 equivalent… ;-)

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  6. By-Tor
    June 20, 2011

    I laughed at the Weeks reference, and the Grizzlies reference. Here’s hoping to god that we don’t go through something like this.

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  7. J Walter Weatherman
    June 20, 2011

    #1 Sign That Hockey Season is Over:

    “Jay Mohr goes suit shopping” is a headline on nhl.com

    It’s not there anymore, but it was on the whole weekend.

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    • Daniel Wagner
      June 20, 2011

      Have I mentioned how much I despise Jay Mohr hosting the NHL Awards yet? Because I do. I really do.

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      • J Walter Weatherman
        June 20, 2011

        Not only hockey fans are being equated to rioters, but now they are also being equated to fans of “Gary Unmarried”. A sad turn of events.

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      • Harrison Mooney
        June 20, 2011

        Jay Mohr is so frustrating. He objectively sucks, but you can’t tell him he sucks, because he’s famous.

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  8. Viva
    June 20, 2011

    Lol. It made me sick to my stomach and laughed out loud on the skytrain at the same time. But instead of Ovechkin shouldn’t it be another Swede? Good work!

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  9. Wisp
    June 20, 2011

    Unfortunately, this article is saying many of the things fans fear. Cup runs are followed by decade long diaspora before, and this year was cup or bust, and since there was no cup, we must be now bust.

    I hope the team can challenge that. :)

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  10. kim r
    June 20, 2011

    Well done, sir. It was fun trying to catch the references and loved the Crawford reference. Surprised you didn’t fit in a comment on the hair too.

    Now to find someone to explain the Kevin Weekes connection. ;)

    Plus, Gillis is a rock star. Even Chuck Norris would want Gillis handling his team.

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  11. Gordie T.
    June 20, 2011

    Should’a gone with, “Betcha can’t sip just once!”

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  12. PetriSkriko
    June 21, 2011

    The scar on Guy Boucher’s face reminds me of Yamcha from DBZ. Am I bored at work? You betcha.

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  13. Rituro
    June 21, 2011

    While the images of the “dark years” are now haunting my workday, the ‘shopped Lu in “flying skate” gear is priceless. Well played, sirs; well played.

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