Mike Murphy’s ruling on the Alex Burrows/Patrice Bergeron incident — in which Burrows “allegedly” bit Bergeron during a Game 1 scrum — was a little difficult for some people to accept. However, it wasn’t so much a question of whether or not it was a suspendable offense. Most of the scoffing came from the Murphy’s statement, which asserted, “I can find no conclusive evidence that Alex Burrows intentionally bit the finger of Patrice Bergeron.”

No conclusive evidence? Look, I’m fine with Murphy’s decision not to suspend Burrows for what I assume are obvious reasons, but let’s get serious here.

If Murphy can’t find proof that Burrows bit Bergeron, I’m concerned about how he might view other clear-cut instances of biting. My suspicion? Murphy has a blind spot when it comes to bites.

None of the following scenarios would surprise me.

Tough call, this one. For all we know, the Coppertone dog was already gnawing on these bathing shorts when the little girl stepped into them.

No one will step forward to corroborate claims that Dracula bit them.

Murphy has a really hard time with Jaws of any kind.

See what I mean?

No argument here. McGruff has immunity, as far as I’m concerned.

Adam and Eve kind of wish Murphy had been the disciplinarian in the Garden of Eden.

Murphy really struggles with forbidden fruit.

No witnesses. The Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde keep turning blue and running away, and even Ms. Pac Man refuses to testify.

Kenan Thompson has been in some awful movies.

Hard to say where Peter Parker got his super powers from.

 

If you’re interested in participating in my little photoshop party, the Mike Murphy cutout is available for you here.

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19 comments

  1. Mary
    June 4, 2011

    I hate to be the nitpicker, but two of your photos are not working (the files entitled murphybites7 and murphybites3, to be specific).

    Otherwise outstanding work as usual. The Pac Man image is CLASSIC.

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  2. kim r
    June 4, 2011

    I know this is a hard one to let go of in terms of comedy gold, but it’s also getting tiresome in some ways. Not sure exactly why everyone is baffled on this. Most normal people will bite when something uninvited is jammed into their mouth and beware the idiot that tries this out. If I were Burrows Bergeron would still be looking for his finger and buying four finger gloves.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      June 4, 2011

      I have no problem with the decision not to suspend, Kim. But the assertion that it’s because of inconclusive evidence insults everybody’s intelligence.

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      • kim r
        June 4, 2011

        Yeah, I realized that so added another post. Thanks for answering! I do like the comedy part – just tired of the people who are full of crap or disingenuous about it. I’m sorry if it sounded like I was criticizing *you*.

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        • Nathan
          June 4, 2011

          I don’t have the footage, but I imagine that for disciplinary actions he would need to see “a distinct biting action.” Not a grimace, a gritting of teeth while Bergeron had his fingers in his mouth. Fingers are in his mouth, we can see his teeth, Burrows can be a pest…It’s not that he can’t find evidence. He can’t put together “conclusive” evidence, and thus the can’t give out a suspension.

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  3. kim r
    June 4, 2011

    And as much as it pains me to somewhat defend the NHL/NHL head office, I can see where Murphy is coming from – Burrows didn’t *intentionally* bite him. It’s not like Burrows put the man’s finger in his mouth or went looking for it. It was jammed in his face/mouth and perhaps the bite was reactive or instinctive rather than “oooooooo let’s bite!”.

    Go on. Try it out. Don’t tell someone you’re going to jam your finger into someone’s mouth and just do it. See what the first reaction you get is.

    Murphy should have just said “If someone is stupid enough to insert their finger into someone else’s mouth we can’t help them. Have a nice day”.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      June 4, 2011

      I wholeheartedly agree with your last point.

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      • kim r
        June 4, 2011

        Thanks – realized that I wasn’t clear and sorry for that. The NHL has the habit of finding the most vague and useless ways of stating something. The gift that keeps on giving.

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    • Jeff Trounce
      June 5, 2011

      Biting a human being is always intentional, you retard. I’d like to see your defense when Burrows starts pulling hair.

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    • Winston
      June 5, 2011

      You can’t really say that he stuck his finger in his mouth. If you watch the video, burrows clearly dips his head in order to bite his finger. It’s been suspended for in the past (Ruutu on Peters), and it absolutely should have been a suspension this time too. Obviously on a Canucks blog I’ll probably get a fair amount of people disagreeing with me, but I feel like my opinion is completely unbiased. Plenty of people get face-washed. Almost no one bites. And like the Harrison says, Murphy’s reasoning behind it is really just insulting.

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  4. Anonymous
    June 4, 2011

    Haha hilarious! Two of the images don’t work but I’m sure they’re just as funny.

    I definitely lol’d at the coppertone one

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  5. shoes
    June 4, 2011

    Harrison…totally enjoy your blogs. But in this case your photo above shows no proof of biting other than a “finger fighter” jamming his fingers into a guys mouth. Here is something for all of you to try. Get a professional style glove and stick the finger of it in your mouth with your finger inside it ……….and try and draw blood with a bite. Almost impossible to do with out having about 20 secs to knaw and twist your mouth around. And I bet you can’t keep your finger in your mouth that long while you are biting down on it.

    Do I think Burrows bit down when he felt the finger of the “finger fighting fairy” in his mouth. You bet I do.

    Do I believe he drew blood? Not a chance and if the finger fighter actually showed the linesman blood it was unrelated.

    Finger fighters annoy me worse than biters. I am not surprised fans of our rival teams have embraced the “finger fighting fairy” as a new hero though.

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  6. madwag
    June 4, 2011

    Mr. Mooney

    Punctuation: it’s; however,

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  7. Pseuccubus
    June 4, 2011

    “Intentionally”

    Mr. Murphy, I do not think that word means what you think it means.

    Also, “distinct”.

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  8. Tom
    June 4, 2011

    How about bringing back old Mike Tyson for an encore?

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  9. Nick
    June 5, 2011

    I was in the process of posting this Murphy quote on my blog (www.TheDevilsZone.com), along with a conclusive picture. But you’ve taken it to the next level…mind if I link?

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    • Harrison Mooney
      June 5, 2011

      Why would I mind? Do I seem like the sort of guy who dislikes attention?

      By all means, link away!

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      • Nick
        June 5, 2011

        Thanks man. Love your stuff!

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        • Nick
          June 5, 2011

          Did you get a chance to check out my blog? My Mark Donnelly/Mr Creosote “separated at birth” thing seems right up your (and your readers’) alley.

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