One might think that, after three NHL playoff rounds, we as Canuck fans would be pretty adept at summoning, from thin air, a bubbling hatred for Vancouver’s next postseason opponent. Unfortunately, as a Stanley Cup Final with the Boston Bruins draws near, one may find this difficult. The Bruins are tough to truly hate. The Canucks don’t see them much, so there’s little history of antagonism. All our associations go to the roots of the NHL itself, where the Bruins are seminal. They’re an original six franchise that once iced greats like Bobby Orr, Phil Esposito, and Ray Bourque. Even now, Bruins like Tim Thomas, Zdeno Chara, and Vancouver-born Milan Lucic are tough for BC hockey fans to truly despise.

Left unchecked, one’s Boston-based thoughts could be downright pleasant, but one must check oneself before one wrecks oneself: the Boston Bruins are bad. They are the only team standing between the Canucks and their first Stanley Cup and there is, therefore, no room for any redeeming thoughts regarding them. If you think the Bruins are good, you had better be thinking of some other bruin — some other bear — because the Boston Bruins are bad.

Pop culture is littered with good bears. Gentle Ben. Corduroy. Teddy Ruxpin. If you’re thinking of a good bear, you’re clearly just discombobulated. Let me combobulate you.

Paddington Bear, the marmalade-loving, raincoat-wearing, Peruvian bear with a penchant for marmalade, is good. Downright charming. Delightful. The Boston Bruins are neither charming, nor delightful. An unnamed British aristocrat reports that they turn their nose up at most spreadable fruit preserves, they finger all the biscuits, and they keep their pinkies in at teatime. They’re monsters.

Baloo the bear is a directionless hedonist who almost misguides a wandering Indian child into the mouth of bloodthirsty tiger Shere Khan, and he’s still better than the Boston Bruins; the Bruins do that for fun. I’ve heard that National Geographic has entire directories filled with photos of Mark Recchi and Johnny Boychuk dressing Bengali children in suits made of raw meat and leaving them in clearings in the Western Ghat. So bad.

The Care Bears are good and they care. The Boston Bruins are bad, and they don’t care. Furthermore, the Bruins are cold-hearted meanies quick to remind you that the Care Bears were created by the American Greetings card company to sell greetings cards. Also, the Bruins don’t even give cards. A jilted ex-girlfriend claims none of them believe in Valentine’s Day. Heartless.

Br’er Bear is a character from Disney’s famously offensive 1946 feature film, Song of the South. Did a former Boston Bruin pen the script for this exceedingly racist bit of Disney history? I have never heard evidence to the contrary.

The Charmin Ultra bears only want you to use a toilet paper that doesn’t leave flakes behind. But where, one might ask, did wild bears get toilet paper in the first place? By mauling a troop of Eagle Scouts, that’s how. Now, the Bostons Bruins have never mauled a troop of Eagle scouts, but that’s only because they were too busy setting fire to the forest. Yeah, that’s right. Smokey the Bear says only you can prevent forest fires. Sources say the Boston Bruins intentionally start them.

The Bear in the Big Blue House is full-on rad. Check out his theme song. That’s one smooth-ass bear. The Boston Bruins, meanwhile, have a stunning lack of radness and stunning abundance of badness. Consider: the bear in the big blue house is best friends with the moon. That’s rad. I have it on good authority Zdeno Chara once tried to blow up the moon. That’s bad. His plan was to do it during a full moon so he made sure to get it all. Heck, that’s supervillain bad.

Rupert the Bear? Good. and so are his roomy, stylish, plaid trousers, but you know what’s ill-fitting and never in style? Boston Bruins fandom. Because the Bruins are bad. This could put one in a quandary, however, as Rupert’s pants (and matching scarf!) are black and yellow. If you’re wearing them as in support of Rupert, that’s okay. But if you’re wearing them in support of the Bruins, that’s much less okay. The Bruins are bad.

What’s the difference between Yogi Bear and a Boston Bruin? One is smarter than the average bear, and one is the devil.

Sugar Bear? Good. He’s maybe the coolest bear ever. Check out this ad: he eats Sugar Crisp exclusively, sings bebop and jazz, hangs out with bimbos, and fights air pollution. Also, he wears a teal turtleneck and no pants. Way cool. Sugar Bear is the good kind of bad. There are unsubstantiated rumours that a handful of Boston Bruins once wore this same outfit to the Franklin Park Zoo. Not cool. The Boston Bruins are the bad kind of bad.

Winnie-the-Pooh, Christopher Robin’s tubby little buddy all stuffed with fluff? Good bear, great friend, maybe the best bear ever. The Boston Bruins are more inconsiderate than rabbit. I’ve heard Milan Lucic is a heffalump. They’re the worst.

Gummi bears? Koala Yummies? Teddy Grahams? Hecka good. The Boston Bruins? Hecka bad, and much more terrifying when they turn up in your lunchbox.

In closing, the Boston Bruins are bad.

 

Know who else is bad? The LA Kings, the Chicago Blackhawks, and the San Jose Sharks.

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35 comments

  1. Shantini
    May 31, 2011

    I LOVE THIS FEATURE. I’m only sad we won’t get another one until next season.

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  2. TheWellwoods
    May 31, 2011

    “One must check oneself before one wrecks oneself…”

    …truer words…

    Baloo the bear really is a menace to society; in his later years he was even known to tow helpless children behind a seaplane through the pirate-infested stormy skies of Cape Suzette. Because we already know they are worse than Baloo, simple logic leads to an obvious conclusion: The Boston Bruins are Air Pirates. Q.E.D.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      May 31, 2011

      Man, Tail Spin was awesome.

      I wanted to work a Kit Cloudkicker reference into this post, but it was already getting mighty long.

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      • Daniel Wagner
        May 31, 2011

        I was thinking a Grizzly Bear reference wouldn’t have been out of place.

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        • J21
          May 31, 2011

          Like, the Bruins are worse than a starting 5 that included Benoit Benjamin and Chris King, or…?

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          • Daniel Wagner
            May 31, 2011

            While that is hilarious, I meant the band.

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      • TheWellwoods
        May 31, 2011

        The entire Disney Afternoon was just pure gold. We need the Canucks to play Anaheim again one year, because there is an abundance of evil ducks out there!

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        • Daniel Wagner
          May 31, 2011

          Negaduck, Bushroot, and Quackerjack being prime examples of such nefarious mallards.

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          • TheWellwoods
            May 31, 2011

            Oh man, my Darkwing duck obsession took off right around the same time as my Canucks one. The early 90′s were rad for so many reasons.

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            • Daniel Wagner
              May 31, 2011

              Completely agree. Plus, my initials are DW, so I was cool by association.

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              • TheWellwoods
                June 1, 2011

                When there’s trouble you call DW.

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          • Harrison Mooney
            May 31, 2011

            I had a real hate-on for Gladstone Gander.

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            • Daniel Wagner
              May 31, 2011

              Yeah, but Gladstone Gander was a goose, not a duck.

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  3. Wisp
    May 31, 2011

    Aren’t you happy, you got to write four of these this year!

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    • Daniel Wagner
      May 31, 2011

      And yet he only wrote three. Slacker.

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      • Harrison Mooney
        May 31, 2011

        Yep, huge slacker. I had two things working against me for the Predators. 1) not a lot of “Predators” in pop culture history. 2) Nashville’s all right.

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        • Daniel Wagner
          May 31, 2011

          Yeah, it was really hard to hate the Predators. They seem like good people. The post would have just devolved into a bunch of “To Catch a Predator” jokes, and no one wants that.

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          • JS Topher
            May 31, 2011

            Too soon for MJ jokes?

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  4. SteveB
    May 31, 2011

    I always feel a little smarter after reading PITB.
    It’s a welcome change from the dumbs that I get from reading hockey forums.

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  5. BECanucks
    May 31, 2011

    Why, yes, that’s exactly what we needed! I nearly fell in the trap, but now, thanks to PITB I know the truth! The boston bruins are bad! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

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  6. scarlet ibis
    May 31, 2011

    Oh nieces nephews uncles aunts,
    You kin of mine by circumstance,
    Bandwagon fans of the Canucks,
    In just one word I think it sucks
    So suddenly you seem to care
    How well this foreign team will fare.
    Your being from the USA,
    It is your homeland you betray.

    Oh how your homeland you’ve denied!
    You’ve lost your patriotic pride!
    God is no longer on your side!
    Knowing the Nucks will prove inept,
    As by the Bruins they’re quickly swept,
    You let your conscience be your guide!

    Scarlet Ibis

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  7. whisky jack
    May 31, 2011

    So upper class and filthy rich,
    My Aunt Scarlet can be a bitch.
    I’m sorry that she found this site
    To which she did herself invite.

    For now it is each one of you
    Must listen to her points of view,
    Which are all based on one cliche,
    “There’s nothing like the USA.”

    “Home of the brave, land of the free,
    There is no better place to be,”
    Or so my Auntie said to me.
    “And death to those who disagree.”

    She truly is extreme right wing,
    Yet she can be a piquant thing.

    Whisky Jack

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  8. JS Topher
    May 31, 2011

    +1 for the Mr. Show Reference… I thought I was the only one in the world who watched

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  9. John in Marpole
    May 31, 2011

    I really, really needed this post.

    Being an old fart, I trace my initial NHL fandom to… the Boston Bruins. They had a young kin on the blue line back then, name of Orr. In 1970 when the Toronto.. I ean the NHL allowed vancouver into the league I embraced my home town team (I’d even cheered for them in the WHL prior to 1970), but retained the Bruins as my other favorite team, you know, the one that had a chance of winning Stanley Cups.

    Fess up you old Canucks fans, many of you had a fall-back original 6 team on the side after 1970. It was a must.

    For years I dreamed of Vancouver and Boston meeting in the Final. It was a safe dream because it would never, ever happen. I wouldn’t have to turn my back on one of “my teams”.

    Now, that dream is a nightmare. Or rather, I thought it might be one, but it hasn’t turned out that way. Boston has won Stanley Cups. Bobby Orr (aka: the Greatest Hockey Player, Ever) no longer patrols the blue line. Gerry Cheevers and the coolest mask ever isn’t between the pipes. And, as you have so clearly shown, the Bruins are Bad Bears.

    Five games from now the Stanley Cup will be paraded down Georgia Street, and I will forever put away my Bruin fandom.

    I won’t miss it one bit.

    Go Canucks Go!

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  10. g_bassi13
    May 31, 2011

    Teddy Ruxpin was not good. He had these vacuous, soulless eyes. Like he was sitting there… plotting.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      May 31, 2011

      Well, you’re thinking of the toy. Here I refer to the cartoon BASED on the toy.

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      • g_bassi13
        May 31, 2011

        All part of a larger plan to lull you into loving your Teddy Ruxpin. This is something that can be given life through the simple means of a cassette tape. To give something like that a voice box is just asking for trouble. Don’t be mistaken, Teddy Ruxpins are bad.

        I do live out by the Western Ghats, so that keeps me far from those “toys”. But I’ll be on the lookout for Bruins.

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  11. Noodle
    May 31, 2011

    Do you guys do much off-season stuff? The summer is going to seem very long without the bear fighting and pop culture references. Retrospective, countdown type posts at least right? Best goals of the season, etc?

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    • Harrison Mooney
      May 31, 2011

      Yeah, we’ve got plenty of offseason stuff planned. We’ll definitely scale it back a bit (we have a few other projects in mind for the summer), but there will still be enjoyable content.

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      • BECanucks
        June 1, 2011

        Well, you won’t get out of “Every goals scored by Alex Bolduc this season!” Don’t even think about it ;-)
        What… more work with D. Sedin and R.Kesler? Naaaaaan

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  12. Pseuccubus
    June 1, 2011

    I heard that Mr. Chara did worse than try to blow up the moon: he tried to carve his name on it with a giant heat ray!

    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_TKHXO3JlPxg/TQpCszNmm7I/AAAAAAAAA7o/EWcRKV0dUsE/s1600/chairfacemoon.jpg

    Fortunately, the Tick managed to stop him before he could complete his sinister inscription.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      June 1, 2011

      So glad someone made this reference! I edited it from the original draft for length.

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  13. chris
    June 1, 2011

    I am from Boston and a lifelong Bruins fan, and I have to say this was hilarious! Job well done sir.

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  14. Keegan
    June 1, 2011

    As a New Englander and a die-hard Bruins fan, I was really hoping that this series would be the first of the post season without whining gutless opposing fan-bases. You haven’t disappointed. I’ve never met a western Canadian I didn’t like immensely, you guys have a hell of a hockey team and this was a damn funny article. Good luck in the series.

    Go Bruins!

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    • Daniel Wagner
      June 1, 2011

      You had me going with the first sentence…

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