One might think that, after three NHL playoff rounds, we as Canuck fans would be pretty adept at summoning, from thin air, a bubbling hatred for Vancouver’s next postseason opponent. Unfortunately, as a Stanley Cup Final with the Boston Bruins draws near, one may find this difficult. The Bruins are tough to truly hate. The Canucks don’t see them much, so there’s little history of antagonism. All our associations go to the roots of the NHL itself, where the Bruins are seminal. They’re an original six franchise that once iced greats like Bobby Orr, Phil Esposito, and Ray Bourque. Even now, Bruins like Tim Thomas, Zdeno Chara, and Vancouver-born Milan Lucic are tough for BC hockey fans to truly despise.
Left unchecked, one’s Boston-based thoughts could be downright pleasant, but one must check oneself before one wrecks oneself: the Boston Bruins are bad. They are the only team standing between the Canucks and their first Stanley Cup and there is, therefore, no room for any redeeming thoughts regarding them. If you think the Bruins are good, you had better be thinking of some other bruin — some other bear — because the Boston Bruins are bad.
Pop culture is littered with good bears. Gentle Ben. Corduroy. Teddy Ruxpin. If you’re thinking of a good bear, you’re clearly just discombobulated. Let me combobulate you.
Paddington Bear, the marmalade-loving, raincoat-wearing, Peruvian bear with a penchant for marmalade, is good. Downright charming. Delightful. The Boston Bruins are neither charming, nor delightful. An unnamed British aristocrat reports that they turn their nose up at most spreadable fruit preserves, they finger all the biscuits, and they keep their pinkies in at teatime. They’re monsters.
Baloo the bear is a directionless hedonist who almost misguides a wandering Indian child into the mouth of bloodthirsty tiger Shere Khan, and he’s still better than the Boston Bruins; the Bruins do that for fun. I’ve heard that National Geographic has entire directories filled with photos of Mark Recchi and Johnny Boychuk dressing Bengali children in suits made of raw meat and leaving them in clearings in the Western Ghat. So bad.
The Care Bears are good and they care. The Boston Bruins are bad, and they don’t care. Furthermore, the Bruins are cold-hearted meanies quick to remind you that the Care Bears were created by the American Greetings card company to sell greetings cards. Also, the Bruins don’t even give cards. A jilted ex-girlfriend claims none of them believe in Valentine’s Day. Heartless.
Br’er Bear is a character from Disney’s famously offensive 1946 feature film, Song of the South. Did a former Boston Bruin pen the script for this exceedingly racist bit of Disney history? I have never heard evidence to the contrary.
The Charmin Ultra bears only want you to use a toilet paper that doesn’t leave flakes behind. But where, one might ask, did wild bears get toilet paper in the first place? By mauling a troop of Eagle Scouts, that’s how. Now, the Bostons Bruins have never mauled a troop of Eagle scouts, but that’s only because they were too busy setting fire to the forest. Yeah, that’s right. Smokey the Bear says only you can prevent forest fires. Sources say the Boston Bruins intentionally start them.
The Bear in the Big Blue House is full-on rad. Check out his theme song. That’s one smooth-ass bear. The Boston Bruins, meanwhile, have a stunning lack of radness and stunning abundance of badness. Consider: the bear in the big blue house is best friends with the moon. That’s rad. I have it on good authority Zdeno Chara once tried to blow up the moon. That’s bad. His plan was to do it during a full moon so he made sure to get it all. Heck, that’s supervillain bad.
Rupert the Bear? Good. and so are his roomy, stylish, plaid trousers, but you know what’s ill-fitting and never in style? Boston Bruins fandom. Because the Bruins are bad. This could put one in a quandary, however, as Rupert’s pants (and matching scarf!) are black and yellow. If you’re wearing them as in support of Rupert, that’s okay. But if you’re wearing them in support of the Bruins, that’s much less okay. The Bruins are bad.
What’s the difference between Yogi Bear and a Boston Bruin? One is smarter than the average bear, and one is the devil.
Sugar Bear? Good. He’s maybe the coolest bear ever. Check out this ad: he eats Sugar Crisp exclusively, sings bebop and jazz, hangs out with bimbos, and fights air pollution. Also, he wears a teal turtleneck and no pants. Way cool. Sugar Bear is the good kind of bad. There are unsubstantiated rumours that a handful of Boston Bruins once wore this same outfit to the Franklin Park Zoo. Not cool. The Boston Bruins are the bad kind of bad.
Winnie-the-Pooh, Christopher Robin’s tubby little buddy all stuffed with fluff? Good bear, great friend, maybe the best bear ever. The Boston Bruins are more inconsiderate than rabbit. I’ve heard Milan Lucic is a heffalump. They’re the worst.
Gummi bears? Koala Yummies? Teddy Grahams? Hecka good. The Boston Bruins? Hecka bad, and much more terrifying when they turn up in your lunchbox.
In closing, the Boston Bruins are bad.
BAD BAD BAD, Bad commercials, Boston Bruins, chara, Questionable Comedic Content