Twitter Needs Juice, plus Kevin Bieksa’s 20 best quotes

Much has been made of the hockey players that have recently hit Twitter, with Shane O’Brien being the latest to join its ranks. Much has also been made of the guys we wish would do the same — the guys noted for their sharp wit and their quotey goodness. If you’re asking me (which you aren’t, but just roll with it), Twitter’s direst need is Kevin Bieksa, one of the league’s top quotes, and undoubtedly the star of the Vancouver Canucks postgame locker room.

Bieksa is a fabulous interview. Not only can you count on him for solid, coherent sentences, but you can count on him for a topical insight and brilliant soundbytes. He’s beyond helpful; it’s been said that, before answering a question in a scrum, he’ll sometimes ask a journalist what he’s looking for, in order to ensure he gives a usable quote. Consider his recent take on diving, which was both timely and gutsy, especially considering his teammates were the accused.

But he’s not just accommodating. He’s also prone to fits of sharp wit, dry comedy, terse, snappy comebacks, and sudden pop culture references, the very skillset one needs to rise to the top of the Tweep heap. He might be the only hockey player capable of rivaling BizNasty in the 140 character arena.

But he’s not on Twitter. Frankly, Kevin Bieksa without Twitter is like Mozart without a piano, his prodigious gifts isolated from the very medium for which they were made.

It’s unacceptable, which is why we at PITB are mounting the Twitter Needs Juice campaign, in order to ensure that Kevin Bieksa takes his rightful place among the NHL’s Mount Olympus of Twitter. We ask you, the public, for your backing to turn this simple desire into a full-blown movement. We ask you for posters, t-shirt designs, photoshops, letters of support, poems, and any other form of campaign art you can dream up. Leave anything you’d like in the comments or send it to passittobulis@gmail.com — we’ll ensure the best stuff is seen by a wider audience. And lastly, we ask for constant use of the official #TwitterNeedsJuice hashtag until that glorious day our simple goal reaches fruition.

And, if you aren’t convinced of this cause’s worthiness, here are 20 of Kevin Bieksa’s best quotes, most courtesy the fine research of Tank Hankerous at the Canucks.com message boards:

1. On Ryan Kesler’s clothing line: “Proceeds go to a translator for Alex Burrows.”

2. On dealing blackjack at the annual Dice & Ice fundraiser: “I don’t think anybody left my table sober so I consider that a victory.”

3. On the difference between Roberto Luongo and Markus Naslund as captains: “Roberto’s a goalie, Markus is a winger.”

4. On how a new captain is chosen: “There’s a secret society that just comes and picks somebody randomly.” –

5. On Ryan Kesler’s crooked pinky: “Some sort of birth defect I think. I think that’s what Americans do when you steal something at a young age, they break your pinky finger.”

6. On his postgame ritual: “After the game I do a little bike ride, lift some weights and work on the biceps, go home and trim the chest, then go for a run on the seawall.”

7. On Joel Quenneville’s Moustache: “Very intimidating. Our coach is very clean shaven and we have to skate by that duster all the time.”

8. On letting Alex Edler monitor the dressing room clock: “He gets this now. He’ll get comfortable with it and next year maybe he can mix in the secret handshake.”

9. On the Canucks’ many redheads: “It seems like that’s what they’re targeting in the summer. It’s not really who’s best for our team, it’s who’s got red hair.”

10. On Alex Burrows: “He lightens up the room. Sometimes we laugh when he’s not even trying to tell a joke.”

11. On his ringtone: “I’m not like Kesler, who has the rap music or Burrows, who has the Celine Dion. Mine is pretty standard.”

12. On skirting a question:
“I’m actually running for Mayor of Grimsby so I’ve got to be politically correct with everything I say.”

13. On potentially playing in Montreal: “I’m 6 inches too tall to be signed right now.”

14. On his degree in Finance: “I don’t think we have the smartest team in the league. We’ve got guys like Hordichuk and Burrows who I think can use a little advice.”

15. On ex-teammate Matt Cooke: “I was happy for Cookie when he won the cup. He barely got it over his head though. I don’t know if he’s hurt or not hitting the gym as much.”

16. On Roberto Luongo going down after taking a high shot in practice: “There’s no referee, I don’t know why he was trying to draw a penalty.”

17. On John Scott: “If a 6-foot-8 guy who can’t skate asks to fight, you say no, then skate around him and score a goal.”

18. On John Scott, again: “I was told when I was a rookie and a guy who wasn’t playing much to not bother the regulars. That’s the advice he should take.”

19. On Pekka Rinne, in response to Farhan Lalji asking how good he is: “As good as your haircut.”

20. On Dustin Byfuglien’s net presence: “It’s hard to move 275 pounds of loose meat.”

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16 comments

  1. PetriSkriko
    May 10, 2011

    “or Burrows, who has the Celine Dion.” Aahahahaha!!

    How were we ever thinking of trading this guy??

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  2. Wisp
    May 10, 2011

    This is bizzare but

    Some how resigning Kevin Bieksa is our number 1 priority.

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  3. John in Marpole
    May 10, 2011

    The more Bieksa grows his beard, the more he looks like a character from ‘Planet of the Apes’, and I don’t mean one of the humans in the movie.

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    • beninvictoria
      May 10, 2011

      HAHAHA

      “You blew it all up!”

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      • Pepe Silvia
        May 10, 2011

        The only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute… Statue of Liberty… THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP!

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  4. Pseuccubus
    May 10, 2011

    Twiitter without Bieksa is like Bieksa without the BiekSmirk. :(

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    • peanutflower
      May 10, 2011

      We all used to hate that bieksmirk, yes we did. Now we all love it. Plus his weird skating style. Love it. On the Canucks.com website in the Quick clips section there are a couple of clips of someone — forget who — interviewing Kesler and Bieksa together. It’s pretty funny.

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  5. max
    May 10, 2011

    wow

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  6. Anonymous2
    May 10, 2011

    hahahahah
    oh how i love bieksa

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  7. herpderp
    May 10, 2011

    No, this is an awful idea. Let him focus on hockey and give interviews when the team makes him available.

    besides, Twitter is for twats.

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    • ChazzRanger
      May 11, 2011

      And the Buzz Killington Award goes to…

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  8. Nat
    May 10, 2011

    I love the Luongo diving joke. So funny, and so true.

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    • Nat
      May 10, 2011

      And I say that as a Canucks, and Luongo fan.

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  9. Anony
    May 11, 2011

    Hottest guy in the NHL, Juice.

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  10. vancityt
    May 11, 2011

    # On Ryan Kesler’s crooked pinky: “Some sort of birth defect I think. I think that’s what Americans do when you steal something at a young age, they break your pinky finger.”

    Such great dry humour for someone bearing such a thirst-quenching nickname.

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  11. Kezzi
    May 27, 2011

    One of the things I love about this year’s Canucks is their collective sense of humour. It comes from the coach on down and there are some very clever, funny people on the team who make being a fan even more enjoyable. I love Juice, always have, always will. He stole my heart a long time ago. :) <3

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