If you watched Game 2 of the Canucks-Predators series last Saturday night on CBC, you no doubt caught Glenn Healy’s sudden tirade about the Green Men, whom he hates. You’d be forgiven for assuming he mistakenly believed they had orchestrated 9/11; he seethes at their very mention. One imagines that, if the league were indeed to ban these two, Healy would head up an impromptu celebration outside the NHL head offices in New York.
Discussion of the Green Men arises because of a report that the Nashville Predators have lodged a formal complaint about them. It’s understandable, really. The Green Men began their wave of popularity in a 4-1 Canucks’ win over the Predators on December 22, 2009. Their crowning moment was when Dave Scatchard, annoyed at the way they’d excited the crowd and gotten under his teammates’ skin, threw a towel over the penalty box camera. While this ended the act for the evening, it also served to underscore its effectiveness, and the next time the Predators were in town the Green Men were back. While Nashville won the game, they struggled, again, to hide their annoyance for the act. Look at David Legwand’s face in this clip. He hates these guys. Patrick Hornqvist, too, is trying his darndest not to look at them.
Some teams have handled the Green Men just fine. The Predators are not one of them (with the exception of Shane O’Brien, who brilliantly quipped, “I notice there are never any chicks sitting beside them… [only] dudes.”). So, while their complaint has backfired somewhat (the Green Men are on their way to Nashville as we speak), it makes sense for them to attempt to get rid of the problem.
But Glenn Healy? What, exactly, is his stake in all of this? He works for the CBC, a network that gives almost as much face time to Force and Sully as they do to Shaun Majumder. In spite of this, his hatred for Vancouver’s Green Men is so strong that he went rogue, unleashing a red-faced rant for the ages. Everyone was a little taken aback, especially Eric Francis, who looks like Mike Myers standing next to Kanye West. Why does Healy hate the Green Men so much? Here are 20 possible reasons.
1 Feels the Green Men disrupt the penalty box’s Feng Shui.
2 Jealous that they’ve found a way to get on CBC without having to spend five hours feathering their hair.
3 Painful memories of being abducted by aliens who happened to also be Vancouver Canucks fans.
4 Was once left at the altar for a green man.
5 Tried to join the bandwagon, but found the suit seriously unflattering.
6 Rejected by a green woman this time last year, after it turned out she was more into Ron Maclean’s direct approach.
7 Has been on the understudy list for a year and a half; is beginning to suspect they just patronized him.
8 Just realized he’s not the only person who can see them; is making up for all the other times this wasn’t the case.
9 Jealous, because he’s never been capable of standing on his head, even as an NHL goaltender.
10 Green bodysuit reminds him of heavy reliance on CGI in the film industry, a trend that he is passionately against.
11 Painful memories of seven games with the excruciatingly named and outfitted Toledo Goaldiggers of the IHL.
12 Wonders why they never play the drumbone anymore.
13 Thinks they’re both Spider-Man. Feels they don’t respect the great responsibility that comes with their great power.
14 Actually is one of the Green Men, and is overselling the coverup.
15 Just found out the same Chinese manufacturer makes their suits as his.
16 Is really just annoyed with the way his kids are using his Rogers Arena season’s tickets.
17 Jealous because they get more face time on CBC than he does, and they’ve done even less to deserve it.
18 Frustrated that It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia has such a strong cult following. Where was that support for That 80s Show?
19 Concerned about free advertising when companies realize how easy it would be to superimpose ads on their crotches.
20 Penis envy.
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