Jonathan Toews had some interesting things to say after game three, things that I felt were a little odd and inflammatory. He claimed that his team wasn’t “exposing them for what they really are.” I thought the implication was that the Canucks are not as good a team as they might seem, that their Presidents’ Trophy and 3-0 lead in this series are not indicative of what they really are. Some speculated that this was simply a motivation tactic for his own team, but it seemed odd to take potshots at your opposition, potentially giving them bulletin board material.

But then I considered the alternative: what if Jonathan Toews doesn’t think that the Canucks are a bad team, but something far more sinister? He doesn’t want his team to expose the Canucks as a poor hockey club, but for what they really are. This is what Jonathan Toews suspects the Canucks really are:

  • Pod people
  • Russian Swedish spies
  • Evil twins from an alternate dimension who are hiding their tell-tale goatees behind playoff beards
  • CGI
  • Space aliens who have stolen the abilities and talents of professional hockey players (such as Alexei Kovalev and Wade Redden)
  • The cast of Jersey Shore
  • Kids sitting on each others shoulders pretending to be adults
  • Innocent humans controlled by brain slugs under their helmets
  • Cats in realistic human masks
  • Raggomoffyns: clothing (ie. Canuck sweaters,  hockey pants, socks, gloves, etc.) animated into human form
  • Imperfect Sedin clones
  • Nicolas Cage and John Travolta
  • An elaborate illusion created by Deven Dark
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13 comments

  1. Dave
    April 19, 2011

    Soylent Green?

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    • Daniel Wagner
      April 19, 2011

      Spoiler warning: it’s people.

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      • Erik
        April 19, 2011

        Yeah, but it’s my kind of people.

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  2. LexieJovanovski
    April 19, 2011

    Haha! I’m sitting on the bus, snickering to myself. People are staring. Job well done!

    (PS. Maybe he thinks we’re secretly harbouring Nancy Kerrigan, and using Torres to distract people from that?)

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  3. steviewire
    April 19, 2011

    I believe the evil twin theory. That means there are another set of Sedins. I hope they play defence.

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  4. gog
    April 19, 2011

    A team containing just one really really good Sedin:
    http://intenttoblow.com/2010/04/nhl-canucks-shocked-as-sedin-twins-reveal-they-are-one-really-really-good-player/

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    • ChazzRanger
      April 19, 2011

      That is comedy gold.

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  5. Irene Tanga
    April 19, 2011

    “something far more sinister [...] Kids sitting on each others shoulders pretending to be adults”

    So sinister… maybe the habs should try this tactic.

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  6. oh noes
    April 19, 2011

    He might have a point after tonights torching

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  7. The Bookie
    April 19, 2011

    “The cast of Jersey Shore”

    nah… not enough orange. you’re thinking of the Flyers.

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    • Harrison Mooney
      April 19, 2011

      Zing!

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  8. Human Cannonball
    April 20, 2011

    Jonathan Toews on Ryan Kesler:

    “I looked then and saw that his robes, which had seemed white, were not so, but were woven of all colours, and if he moved they shimmered and changed hue so that the eye was bewildered.”

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  9. Another Angry Hawks Fan
    April 22, 2011

    Maybe now you see what Toews meant…

    Might be too late for Chicago, but Vancouver is pretty clearly the next in a long line of President’s Trophy winning disappointments.

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