So Tanner Glass thinks we’re witty. He’s right, too. We’re the Oscar Wilde of Canucks blogs*. All over the blogosphere, people talk of our biting wit, flamboyant dress, and glittering conversation. Anyway, here’s Tanner, talking about our impending Scrabble Battle (the Battle at Helm’s Deep of athlete versus blogger board game battles) in his latest blog for Canucks.com:
Also coming up in the next two weeks will be the much-anticipated Scrabble Challenge against the guys from Pass It To Bulis. I’ve been trying to practice here and there, but to be honest, I’m most looking forward to raising money for the Canucks for Kids Fund. T-shirts will be available soon, so keep your eyes peeled. I’ll make sure to give another update after the event to make sure you guys don’t just get the Pass It To Bulis point of view with their witty banter. Wish me luck!
Wish me luck, he says. Ha! Forget that noise. Wish me luck (#TeamMooney)! It’s time I came right out and said it. Too many of you are smitten with Tanner because of his underdog status. Everybody’s on #TeamGlass. Friends, family, and Bulies can’t help but love him.
I say Tanner’s goodness is a brilliant ploy. He sounds like the nicest guy in the world. You think he’s that nice naturally? I say bah. With a bevy of media people telling me how to behave, I’d seem good too. Instead, I’m the monomaniacal nerd everyone wants to fail. It’s all marketing!** I mean, come on. Listen to him, coyly trying to make it seem as though he’s not practicing day and night. I see through Tanner’s strategy. He’s playing possum. Know how I know? Photographic evidence. Know how else I know? Steven Turnbull. There’s a conspiracy here. I’m about to blow your mind.
You’ll recall, in Derek Jory’s article, a lengthy section detailing the importance of the first move, as per Steven Turnbull, Scrabble genius/Facebook addict and mayor of Lashburn, Saskatchewan. I found this entire section suspicious. Why is Turnbull so available for a quote? How come he never returns my calls? Then I realized: Tanner Glass is from Saskatchewan. Glass and Turnbull are in cahoots. Heck, Turnbull might even be tutoring Glass nightly. The Canucks probably fly him into Vancouver every evening on the team jet. I mean, he’s definitely got the time. He’s the mayor of a city, and he admits to playing 100 games of Scrabble on Facebook a day. Do the Lashburn voters know what their elected official is doing?
I do, gosh darn it. He’s teaching Glass everything he knows. He’s the Pai Mei to Tanner’s Beatrix Kiddo, the Master Roshi to Tanner Glass’s young Goku. Soon, Glass will have a Scrabbling level of over 9000, and he has the audacity to say we’re witty, hoping that flattery will disguise his diabolical strategies. Well, Tanner, we aren’t just witty; we’re wise to you.
Mind you, being wise to something does not equal being able to prevent something. I’m probably screwed.
*We have nothing else in common with Oscar Wilde.
**I once tried to use this excuse to get out of vacuuming, but my wife would have none of it.