Cody Hodgson’s Dark Times


In case you just awoke from a hockey coma, you’ve probably heard that Cody Hodgson, prized prospect of the Vancouver Canucks, played his first NHL game yesterday. It’s been a long time coming for Hodgson, who has overcome a boatload of misinformation, intrusive media coverage, rampant speculation and injury troubles just to get here. But now he’s here, and we rejoice, not just because of what he had to go through, but because the hyperbole and panic surrounding Cody should subside.

During last night’s game, Hodgson was featured in an intermission segment about his first NHL game which used the phrase, “The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson,” before making a cut to Hodgson for an uninteresting quote about injuries. I don’t even recall what he said–I just remember thinking that Hodgson’s follow-up sentence could have gone in so many better ways. Somehow, I expect a phrase like the dark times have passed to be followed up with a story about how someone overcame full-on vampirism. Imagine this exchange:

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I used to be a vampire.

Now that’s some badass journalism right there. But that’s just me. From where I’m sitting, it could have gone in so many better directions. After the jump, we envision the myriad possible responses to this open-ended lead-in:

  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I’m really more into milk chocolate now.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: When I woke up this morning, the sun had come out again.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I blinked. My eyes were closed for a millisecond. How is this a story?
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Well, they’re actually called the Middle Ages, but I did just get back from some wacky time travel adventures. Glad those are done.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah, I prefer a mild roast now.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    They’re transition lenses. The tint comes back when I go outside. How have you never heard of these before?
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Nights when there’s no moon are a bit tough on me because I’m a reverse-werewolf.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Okay, I know my girlfriend was black, but frankly, I think that’s kind of a racist way to describe the end of the relationship.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: After the high stick, both of my eyes were swollen shut, but the swelling has gone down, so I’m finally able to see again.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: As a Kryptonian, I derive power from earth’s yellow sun. Nighttime is a time of weakness.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    Dark City is a weird place. The only thing to eat is their local newspaper, and it’s difficult to digest.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    After I broke open the piñata, they removed the blindfold.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I found the light switch on the far wall, but only after banging my shin something fierce on the coffee table. Stung like crazy.
  • Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson:
    I teamed up with The Canuck and his sidekick The Moose to defeat the NHL Guardian’s evil nemesis, Devin Dark. It was pretty cool, I guess.
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61 comments

  1. Qris Johnson
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Our new drama teacher isn't allowed to make us wear blackface.
    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: That tanning bed was the worst prank Keith Ballard ever pulled on me, but now I'm okay.
    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I look back on my time as a scientologist not as something to learn from but something to never ever tell anyone about ever.

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  2. Daniel "Skeeter" Wagner
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I cast magic missile at the darkness. It didn't work very well.

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  3. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    You've just made my DAY. It was impossible not to laugh out loud at work, A+ good sirs

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  4. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Obi Wan and Yoda helped me through this.

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  5. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: What can I say? All that was left from the turkey was white meat.

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  6. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Lets get dangerous! Oh, sorry. I thought you said Darkwing.

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  7. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    Too bad this didn't happen at the end of daylight savings time in March.

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  8. Harrison Mooney
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Where I'm from, we call the dark times the night.

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  9. Captain Morgan
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Medium roast has more caffeine anyway.

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  10. A Wellwood
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Groundhogs everywhere are predicting an early Spring.

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  11. Harrison Mooney
    February 2, 2011

    Ha ha, Captain Morgan, we already made a coffee joke. (Although I'm loath to admit yours might be phrased better).

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  12. Captain Morgan
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: HEY, DON'T JINX ME!!

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  13. Captain Morgan
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Oh thank God, I thought rehab would never end. *gets attacked by feral cats*

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  14. Michael
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: The evil start in Pankot. Then like monsoon, it moves darkness over all country.

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  15. beninvictoria
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah, Coach said that was just a practice jersey.

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  16. Michael
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah, after Bieber ruined emo hair I had to hang up the trench coat.

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  17. Jason
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Admittedly, it's weird to name a kidney stone, but I had grown rather attached to it.

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  18. Daniel "Skeeter" Wagner
    February 2, 2011

    @beninvictoria

    I knew I had forgotten one! The original joke was "It's an away game, so we're wearing our white jerseys."

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  19. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: My dark times were nothin' compared to Joan d'Arc times. Seriously, dude, talk to Glass about that. He's down with that sh*t. Just sayin'.

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  20. Captain Morgan
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Destroying the ring was tough, but it simply had to be done. I admit, I'll miss the power of invisibility…

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  21. Harrison Mooney
    February 2, 2011

    Oh man, Daniel made a Joan D'arc joke last night and we forgot that too! This joke never ends. I love it.

    @Jason: Ha! That one's awesome.
    @Captain Morgan: A much better effort. I lol'ed.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: The horror! The horror!

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  22. Harrison Mooney
    February 2, 2011

    Okay, so here's the deal. In a couple days, we're doing this post again, but just with Bulie submissions. Keep 'em coming, you guys.

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  23. beninvictoria
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Every kid wants to BE Batman, but eventually you have to put away the cape and grow up.

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  24. beninvictoria
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah they definitely put you to sleep when they perform back surgery. How is that relevant? Is that a camera?!

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  25. Ryan
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: My injury addiction is behind me for good now.

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  26. Michael
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: You can read all my experiences in my upcoming memoir, Black Ice: How I Was Drafted by the Atlanta Thrashers.

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  27. By-Tor
    February 2, 2011

    brilliant. You guys almost made me laugh out loud in the middle of Economics class

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: The power came back on.

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  28. Michael
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I like turtles!

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  29. beninvictoria
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The Dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: They say you can't get addicted to Grape Juice, but they're lying.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Cody Angry! Cody Angry Long Time! Cody Find Brenda! Cody No Angry Now!

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah for a while there I was into Modest Mouse but now, Thanks to Raffi Torres, I'm a Maroon 5 Guy!

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  30. ricardinho
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: I must correct you my good man. Believe me, it is still there, you just cannot see it as it is utterly transparent and ultimately, undetectable. It is, in fact a huge part of what makes up Cody Hodgson as well as everyone any everything around us

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  31. Jason
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: At first I was discouraged by the diagnosis, but the doctors assured me that if Michael Jackson could live with Vitiligo so could I.

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  32. Jason
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: It was a struggle, but I finally got my head out of the jersey's arm hole.

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  33. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: My nightmares of being drafted by the Leafs have finally gone.

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  34. Jason
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: That's the last time I model my fashion from a Corey Hart song.

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  35. Jason
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I used to model my game after Willie O'Ree. This joke works two ways. I'm a lovable scamp.

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  36. Iain
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: It was rough when MJ first passed on, but every day I get a little more over it and I think I'm finally going to be able to carry on with my life.

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  37. beninvictoria
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah I was real freaked out but Ballard says it's just a solar eclipse.

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  38. PeeCeeGee
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: The Nothing really is the worst part but the Story does End.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: We just had to slingshot round that side of the moon to get enough momentum. Was pretty freaky being out of communication though.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: I don't know if you heard by Manitoba is so flat is feels like the sky is falling.

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  39. Iain...also in victoria
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: For me they are, but Tanner Glass' dark times are about to start after he gets schooled in scrabble!

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  40. Austin
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Cocaine is one hell of a drug…

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  41. By-Tor
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: It took me until my second game, but I finally scored an NHL goal

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: No they haven't. Turns out it the light at the end of the tunnel was just a freight train.

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  42. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Actually, the dark times just start later in Vancouver, what with time zones and all. I'm expecting them to return in say three hours-ish.

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  43. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Yeah, I find this full shield much more protective to my sensitive orbital bone than that visor Kopitar tried to pawn off on me…

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  44. Iain
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: Now that I'm not trailing Lee Sweatt in career Nhl goals! seriously…Lee Sweatt

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  45. Anonymous
    February 2, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.
    Hodgson: Yeah, I dunno what I ate, but I had a nice light floater this morning.

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  46. Reece
    February 3, 2011

    Narrator: The dark time have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: Well I real-

    Kanye: Yo Hodgson, Imma let chu finish but Donnie Darko had some of the darkest times of all time. OF ALL TIME!

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  47. Harrison Mooney
    February 3, 2011

    LMAO Reece = WIN

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  48. Jason
    February 3, 2011

    HAHAHAAHA! Reece! That was incredible. We make Kanye cracks all the time at practice. I'm surprised it took so long to see that.

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  49. JTam
    February 3, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson.

    Hodgson: The dark times were rough, but it had to be done. Remember our conversation two years ago?
    ————————————————

    Narrator: The haters` won. Luongo`s Captaincy, everything he fought for – undone. Any chance you gave us at fixing our team dies with Luongo's reputation. We bet it all on him. The haters took the best of us and tore him down. People will lose hope.

    Hodgson: They won't. They must never know what he did.

    Narrator: 7 goals! You can't sweep that up!

    Hodgson: No. But the haters` cannot win. Vancouver needs its true hero.

    Narrator: No!

    Hodgson: "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." I can do those things because I'm not in the NHL, not like Luongo. I have a bad back! That's what I can be.

    Narrator: No, no! You can't, your back!

    Hodgson: I'm whatever Vancouver needs me to be. Call it in.

    Narrator: They'll hunt you.

    Hodgson: You'll hunt me. You'll condemn me, set the fans on me. Because that's what needs to happen. Because sometimes… our play isn't good enough. Sometimes people deserve more. Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

    Young Canucks Fan: Hodgson? Hodgson! Why is he running, Narrator?

    Narrator: Because we have to make ridiculous stories about him and his injury.

    Young Canucks Fan: He didn't do anything wrong.

    Narrator: Because he's the NHLer Vancouver deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Dark Prospect.
    ————————————————

    Narrator: So, uh, how's your back?
    Hodgson: Not cool.

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  50. Reece
    February 3, 2011

    JTam's = crazy delicious

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  51. Daniel "Skeeter" Wagner
    February 3, 2011

    The comments have turned this from a good post into my favorite post ever. You guys are awesome.

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  52. Anonymous
    February 3, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Yeah, and I'd especially like to thank Nick Kypreos and Doug Maclean for sending me a fresh picked rose every day of my recovery — in fact, they're still sending them. Those guys really care.

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  53. PeeCeeGee
    February 3, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: X-Men Origins really was a return to form.

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  54. Section 312
    February 3, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: It wasn't that bad…I mean I'm not Sami Salo.

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Yeah I realize now Wish You Were Here is a more solid album start to finish.

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  55. Section 312
    February 3, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: Yeah, no one told me that Alba chick started doing films.

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  56. Kaylee
    February 3, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: I'd be happy about it if it hadn't happened at the Roxy at 4am, standing next to Shane O'Brien and what I thought was a Megan Fox doppelganger. Nothing good happens when the lights come on.. #RosieO'DonnellIsThatYou?

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  57. Section 312
    February 3, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: In the past few weeks I've realized that I much prefer Skeeter to Harrison over at Pass it to Bulis.

    *Note this joke only works if Skeeter is lighter than Harrison. It may also be racist. I'm not sure.

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  58. Harrison Mooney
    February 4, 2011

    Ha ha, Section 312, Skeeter's white and I'm not, so the joke works. But since it's hecka racist, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE

    Just kidding. I laughed.

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  59. Section 312
    February 4, 2011

    You know I'm your biggest fan Harrison. Not many people know that the 'E' stands for integrity.

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  60. Harrison Mooney
    February 5, 2011

    Whoa, wait, whoa, you know me?

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  61. meter1060
    February 6, 2011

    Narrator: The dark times have passed for Cody Hodgson
    Hodgson: No thats just the absence of light.

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