Last night’s contentious decision from the NHL War Room–in which they defied their own precedent and overruled an on-ice no-goal call despite inconclusive evidence–was just another bit of proof that Colin Campbell and his crack squad of AV geeks have literally no idea what they’re doing. And, in case you weren’t convinced, PITB’s recently-dispatched War Room spy has returned, reporting twenty of the most remarkable #NHLWarRoomQuotes he’s heard:

1. “Vancouver’s on the phone. Don’t they know what time it is?”
2. “How did we do it last time?”
3. “What does ‘distinct’ mean, anyway? There’s literally no way of knowing.”
4. “Man, that’s a tough call. Unplug the phone.”
5. “I think it’s a touchdown.”
6. “I told them, I don’t know much about hockey, but I was Dan Hartman’s synth player, so I’ve got a lot of experience with Instant Replay.”
7. “Crap, I think Canada’s on to us.”
8. He knocked it down with a high stick and then he kicked it in, but it’s Gregory, so count it.
9. “What part of ‘inconclusive’ don’t you understand? I said I’m on break.”
10. “I can’t decide. Load the mousetraps and get the mouse.”
11. “Is that the rule? Somebody Google it.”
12. “Did you know I interviewed for their vacant general manager position? I didn’t get it. Anyway, no goal.”
13. “I can’t see it–the crossbar’s in the way. Oh wait, it’s just a Twizzler on the monitor again.”
14. “FSN Pittsburgh has another angle, but they said it would take four to six weeks for delivery.”
15. “Zoom in. Now increase the pixels.”
16. “Let’s just say ‘he intended to blow the whistle’. Then amend the rule before people start snooping around. Unplug the phone.”
17. “He’s faking it. That’s fake blood.”
18. “Call it a goal. Nobody’s watching anyway.”
19. “Bwa ha ha, screw the Sabres.”
20. “Guys, we suck at this.”