Having gone 16-1-2 in their last nineteen games (or, 13-1-2 since Head Poke Kid), the Canucks are riding a wave of positivity so grand it makes unbiased reporting impossible. How can the Vancouver media, typically blessed to cover a team so consistently mediocre, remain neutral when the play of the Canucks is awe-inspiring?
Nitpick, that’s how. And forecast future negatives. Maybe the Canucks have peaked too early. What if there’s an injury? What if the move the Canucks make to clear up capspace for Salo creates a hole in their depth? Well, we at PITB aren’t in the business of forecasting potential negatives (although we dabble in babcocking). As the alternative media, we seek to be alternative at every turn. If the mainstream media is imagining things that could potentially go very wrong, we’re going to imagine things that could go potentially right. What if, for example, the Roberto Luongo got a hat-trick in Madison Square Garden? Consider the following not impossible scenario:
VANCOUVER — The Canucks continue to find unique ways to win hockey games. Tonight it was with secondary scoring from an unlikely source: netminder Roberto Luongo.
“Luongo singlehandedly won us da turd,” said Alex Burrows.
The Vancouver goalie scored the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd goals of his NHL career in a frantic final two minutes that saw the New York Rangers allow three goals with the net empty.
The first came as the Rangers trailed 2-1 in the final minutes, and pulled goaltender Henrik Lundqvist for an extra attacker. After gaining the red line, Michael del Zotto dumped the puck in. Unfortunately, it landed right on the stick of Roberto Luongo. Sensing he had a little time and space, he cleared it the length of the ice himself, and after taking a fortuitous bounce, it was in. It was the first goal of Luongo’s career.
It wouldn’t be the last.
Undeterred, the Rangers kept the net empty off the faceoff. After winning the draw, they fired the puck into the Canucks’ end. Again, however, Luongo cleared it to center ice.
Marc Staal picked up the puck. Pressured in the neutral zone by Alex Burrows, he sent a pass back into his own zone for del Zotto, who whiffed on it and watched, helplessly, as it trickled in.
The last Canuck to touch the puck: Roberto Luongo, who made NHL history by being the first goalie to score two goals in a game.
He would get one more in even more unlikely fashion. After making an incredible kicksave in the dying moments, the puck passed everybody and slid out to center ice. There, it was picked up by Sean Avery who, knowing Luongo had the last Canucks’ touch and sensing an opportunity to be a part of NHL history, slammed the puck back into his own net with 2.1 seconds to go.
A hat trick. From a goaltender. You have to believe this is the only time we’ll ever see something to bizarre.
“Hopefully, that’s the last time someone criticizes my puckhandling abilities,” said Luongo after the game.
After the game, however, fans remained unimpressed, as Luongo let in a bad goal to lose another shutout bid, and forgot to give his stick away.
ICE CHIPS: Immediately following the game, Sean Avery was seen going into John Tortorella’s office. He has not been heard from since.
And there you have it. It may not be plausible, but it’s not impossible. And, considering the run the Canucks are on, I wouldn’t be too quick to dismiss this.
Okay, now dismiss it.Tags: Canucks, From the What If Files, Luongo, Predictions, Questionable Comedic Content