Having gone 16-1-2 in their last nineteen games (or, 13-1-2 since Head Poke Kid), the Canucks are riding a wave of positivity so grand it makes unbiased reporting impossible. How can the Vancouver media, typically blessed to cover a team so consistently mediocre, remain neutral when the play of the Canucks is awe-inspiring?

Nitpick, that’s how. And forecast future negatives. Maybe the Canucks have peaked too early. What if there’s an injury? What if the move the Canucks make to clear up capspace for Salo creates a hole in their depth? Well, we at PITB aren’t in the business of forecasting potential negatives (although we dabble in babcocking). As the alternative media, we seek to be alternative at every turn. If the mainstream media is imagining things that could potentially go very wrong, we’re going to imagine things that could go potentially right. What if, for example, the Roberto Luongo got a hat-trick in Madison Square Garden? Consider the following not impossible scenario:


VANCOUVER — The Canucks continue to find unique ways to win hockey games. Tonight it was with secondary scoring from an unlikely source: netminder Roberto Luongo.

“Luongo singlehandedly won us da turd,” said Alex Burrows.

The Vancouver goalie scored the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd goals of his NHL career in a frantic final two minutes that saw the New York Rangers allow three goals with the net empty.

The first came as the Rangers trailed 2-1 in the final minutes, and pulled goaltender Henrik Lundqvist for an extra attacker. After gaining the red line, Michael del Zotto dumped the puck in. Unfortunately, it landed right on the stick of Roberto Luongo. Sensing he had a little time and space, he cleared it the length of the ice himself, and after taking a fortuitous bounce, it was in. It was the first goal of Luongo’s career.

It wouldn’t be the last.

Undeterred, the Rangers kept the net empty off the faceoff. After winning the draw, they fired the puck into the Canucks’ end. Again, however, Luongo cleared it to center ice.

Marc Staal picked up the puck. Pressured in the neutral zone by Alex Burrows, he sent a pass back into his own zone for del Zotto, who whiffed on it and watched, helplessly, as it trickled in.

The last Canuck to touch the puck: Roberto Luongo, who made NHL history by being the first goalie to score two goals in a game.

He would get one more in even more unlikely fashion. After making an incredible kicksave in the dying moments, the puck passed everybody and slid out to center ice. There, it was picked up by Sean Avery who, knowing Luongo had the last Canucks’ touch and sensing an opportunity to be a part of NHL history, slammed the puck back into his own net with 2.1 seconds to go.

A hat trick. From a goaltender. You have to believe this is the only time we’ll ever see something to bizarre.

“Hopefully, that’s the last time someone criticizes my puckhandling abilities,” said Luongo after the game.

After the game, however, fans remained unimpressed, as Luongo let in a bad goal to lose another shutout bid, and forgot to give his stick away.

ICE CHIPS: Immediately following the game, Sean Avery was seen going into John Tortorella’s office. He has not been heard from since.

And there you have it. It may not be plausible, but it’s not impossible. And, considering the run the Canucks are on, I wouldn’t be too quick to dismiss this.

Okay, now dismiss it.

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19 comments

  1. Jadedkrystal
    January 6, 2011

    Well, if Edler can have two faceoffs, than of course Lui can have a hat-trick. ^_^

    Great work as always. =)

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  2. Wisp
    January 6, 2011

    thanks for that. :D It's nice to see someone be positive. I almost prefer the Eastern media at this point, who just read the highlights and right an article on it – and surprise, the articles are positive.

    The Orland Kurtenblog are exceptional dummies lately.

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  3. kenny-blankenship
    January 6, 2011

    It would only be fitting that he wins 1st, 2nd and Turd Star honors for such an accomplishment

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  4. Anonymous
    January 6, 2011

    This is awesome

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  5. Anonymous
    January 6, 2011

    LOL. PITB rocks. Seriously.

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  6. The Belgian Canucks Fan
    January 6, 2011

    "It may not be implausible, but it's not impossible"

    Isupose you mean it IS implausible but not impossible ;o)
    But then, I nitpick, he ;o)
    Thanks for a great positive article!

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  7. Harrison Mooney
    January 6, 2011

    Yup. I meant "plausible". Thanks for pointing it out.

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  8. wisp
    January 6, 2011

    …and I just clicked on those linked blog posts and was immediately disgusted with Canucks fans. :|

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  9. Harrison Mooney
    January 6, 2011

    Canucks fans can be difficult to like, at times.

    Mind you, I'd rather a stupidly involved fanbase than an apathetic one. More traffic.

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  10. Wisp
    January 6, 2011

    With The bandwagon is getting going earlier this year, there should be an influx of less smart people.

    PITB should grab them now, before they turn dumb!

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  11. Harrison Mooney
    January 6, 2011

    PITB is full of elitist humour (such as Douglas Adams and Guy Maddin references), so you get smarter just by reading it. No risk of dumb readers. We're creating an army of hyperliterate Canucks fans. Soon we will storm the castle.

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  12. Anonymous
    January 6, 2011

    anyways you can't fix stupid

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  13. zukuss
    January 6, 2011

    Have fun storming the castle!

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  14. Harrison Mooney
    January 6, 2011

    You're coming too, zukuss.

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  15. zukuss
    January 6, 2011

    Ahhhh crap. I haven't stormed a castle since 1987.

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  16. Harrison Mooney
    January 6, 2011

    You might want to buy new boots.

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  17. zukuss
    January 6, 2011

    This deal keeps getting worse.

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  18. J21
    January 7, 2011

    Part of "keeping a level head" is pointing out why everything may not be perfect, though. You don't want to start taking anything for granted. Even if the Canucks finish with an .800 winning percentage, the odds of them actually winning the Stanley Cup in a 30-team parity-heavy league where only the top half even have a chance to compete for it are still, overall, not that good (and this goes for any team).

    So I don't think there's anything wrong with painting a picture that isn't 100% roses even with the team doing well (hockey-wise, I mean, not about players' behavior or deodorant or whatever), because (1) it keeps things in perspective and avoids stupid fans saying "they choked!!!" if they get knocked out of the playoffs by a perfectly good team in way too small a sample size to actually drawn any conclusions; and (2) it acknowledges that process and result are not the same thing, and just because you're winning doesn't mean you're doing everything right to maintain those conditions. It is a fair assessment in this case, too, seeing as most everyone agrees that they've been winning some games they probably shouldn't have, which is often the sign of an approaching tipping point.

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  19. Daniel "Skeeter" Wagner
    January 7, 2011

    I assure you, J21, we're well aware that the Canucks do have some shortcomings and we're more than willing to identify them. The absurdity of the overreaction to Luongo not skating out after being named the first star is too much, though. That's not identifying an issue with their process that might cost them a game or two down the line, that's nitpicking about something that has no bearing on what happens on the ice and wasn't a big deal to begin with.

    It's lazy journalism: it's insubstantial fluff with unnecessary editorializing. Ziemer clearly had nothing else to talk about so decided to create some controversy by overplaying something small and insignificant.

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